My Beloved And dearest Friend/Husband,
Thank you for feeling free enough with me to discuss what was seemingly nothing much but you sharing about your day with me. I am truly blessed to have partaken of it. I would like to extend my apology if my reaction was not as palatable as you would have liked to. However, I love you and I know me. I realised how easy it would have been for me to have smiled and joked the whole thing away and spend the next month in turmoil. I have been down that road so many times and the hole I dig gets so overwhelming I need divine intervention to rescue me from it. So now I have decided that a seemingly minuet incidence as this was yesterday can be blown up by the pseudo counsellor we were discussing previously so much so that it becomes a problem.
I have realised that talking about it no matter how long and dramatic it becomes gives me back my control and gives no room for the enemy to blow it out of proportion. I am still dealing with a bit of pain in my heart but not because of anything you did. It is just that my defence mechanism from hurts kicks in and it is very draining on my system. I do not feel like eating, I want the ground to open so I can hide in it etc, etc. I find women's make up so complicating I wish I could just shake of these things like water off a ducks back. Really! It is all too draining for me. All the same I realise that a woman will always think “rejection" first before they analyse the situation and that thought comes with its own defence systems.
My THIS IS Exhausting. I can't wait to be born again in this area and enjoy the freedom that it brings.
I realised as I was dropping Esther at school today that the words "All things are permissible but not all things are profitable to me" hold true so much in marriage. The Vows have a reason for existing and it is a safe guard in the boundaries of our freedom. I love you and I do not feel bound in my thoughts or actions but in all my thoughts and actions "I choose you" always. It is so automatic that even in my dreams when am confronted with overwhelming Odds against you regarding my hearts emotions, I still choose you.
"Choosing you" means I safe guard your heart in my actions and my freedom. It means I am free to love all men but choose to be intimate with you. It means I watch what matters to you and make the choice to honour you by making it matter to me too. Choosing you is my attitude to life on a daily basis and I feel it is organic and real and I feel no pressure or bound to do so. I t is actually a pleasure. I choose you and will always do so even when my heart is breaking, I feel so nervous it feels like I am going to throw up, my internal organs are vibrating and I cannot keep still, like I want to gasp for air and go for a long walk to clear my head at 12midnight. (I know, its all so dramatic but talking about it give me back my control and keep the enemy and ego at bay).
So my beloved, I am so happy that you are learning how to be free. There is nothing more valuable that freedom and I wish you all the best pleasure in it. In your freedom may you never feel bound by our marriage or my love for you or your love for me. May EVERY ACT YOU CHOOSE BE ORGANIC AND PURE AND MAY IT TRULY BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOU.
I choose you always..............
Me.
His Reply;
Thanks so much for that. I love you. Those 3 words may not convey much meaning nowadays but I know what I mean when I say it.
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