Forgiving Foward - Maintaining A peaceful marraige environment

Forgiving Forward

Last weekend I went to a leadership training for 2=1 Marriage counsellors. One of the topic discussed was forgiving forward. It was interesting because the conclusions drawn from it was something I had discovered in my dealings with my husband but I had not looked at it from the perspective of God or Jesus. I wanted to seek peace and pursue it and the only way that made perfect sense to do that was to forgive forward. What you may ask is this forgiving forward business? Okay let me give you my take on this.   

In my marriage I have been cross with my hubby a few times now and one particular incident I was very furious with him. Well I certainly did not like how it felt and I knew whatever the matter I did not want anything outside of me, husband or whoever, to take away my peace. As I may have mentioned before for me, I function at my best when I have peace of mind. It does not matter what is happening in my life if I do not loose my inner peace, I know I will make it. When it comes to other things besides my emotions, this is a peace of cake but especially with my hubby I tend to loose my peace. I finally discovered that it is because I attach fear to the anger or situation arising and so I loose my peace. 

Well I knew that I intend on being married to him till death do us part and I also know that looking ahead as life will have it, I will upset him and likewise him me. I had to find a way to deal with it without loosing my inner peace and still relate lovingly to him. So I sat myself down and thought of all the things that he could possibly do to hurt me and decided to forgive him for them. So I decided to forgive him for anything he will do to me in the future. Easier said than done as you will be saying, yes of course. With my heart in my mouth and my stomach boiling I thought of as much ugly situations as I could stomach and made up my mind that I do love this guy and so in order to love and have peace I must be willing to forgive him in advance so when or if any situation arises that will cause pain I would have already forgiven him. 

Don't look at me like that, of course the situation will hurt. I am human. And yes since then I have been hurt by one thing or another, due to my being sensitive or controlling but I always remember my promise and so the healing process is shortened. 

Going back to last weekend  we had to apply this forgiving forward process to everyone or thing not just our spouses. Its amazing the freedom that comes when you forgive in advance anyone who could possibly offend you. Its still work in progress though but as I discussed this with my husband we discovered that when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. In other words when you purpose in your heart to forgive what others will ever do to you when they do do something, that word comes back to remind you of you promise. It also helps you move on quicker and sets you free. You no longer have to carry baggages for long  any more. However if you do not forgive forward the offence comes as a surprise, a shock and since you have not planned how to deal with it, it deals with you and puts you in bondage of bitterness, and unforgiveness and all the ugliness that goes with that.  It not just forgiving only, its also blessing the person the offender. Can you imagine that someone stole money from you and after you have forgiven them, you went and gave them some money also as a blessing. My dear, that is the blessing I am talking about. 

I also discovered in my meditation that God forgave forward before he ever created this world. The bible says that Christ was slain before the foundations of the world. Wow! So God knew that the secret to happiness is forgiving forward. So before he ever created a single entity He made sure He atoned for any offence they will ever make. 

Think about it, even just the physical act of dying on the cross by Jesus that was done 2000 years ago was before you ever existed, yet your forgiveness was guaranteed and the price for your sins paid for. Imagine that! Before you ever sinned or offended, God had forgiven you. Now all you have to do is acknowledge that forgiveness and you can enjoy its freedom.

 Not only that, he became a blessing to us. We call him Jehova; Elshadai( our all sufficiency),  Tzedkenu(our Righteousness), Rafika(Our Healer), Rohi(our Shephered), Shamar(the one who is always with us), Baal Perizim( our breakthrough), Jireh(our provider) the list goes on. Imagine our offender calling us a blessing. Thats the standard he set for us to follow. We forgive and then we bless the offender. God is really an awesome God.

So if God who is the greatest mind in all universes did that and since he created us in his own image and likeness, then for sure we have the capability to do so. It hurts every time someone offends us but to forgive everyone before they can ever hurt us, wow that is real kingdom living. 

The secret is out! So lets grab it and set ourselves free from all offences past, present or future. We as Christians like to ask the questions, "What will Jesus do?" The answer is he Forgave Forward. So now its your turn. He said to his disciples at the last supper,before the incident of the crucifixion ever took place "This is the cup of the covenant of my blood shed for the forgiveness of your sins. Do it as often as you drink it in remembrance of me".  Wow, that night and the following 3 days were the worst in human history but also the best in human history. Because One man forgave forward we have redemption though his suffering. Are you willing to take up your cross and follow Him?

Sexual Intimacy - The Birds and the bees

Warning!!!!!!!!!! This particular teaching is for Married couples only!!!!! This discussion is not for the Single, co-habiting, or same sex persons in relationships nor the unmarried. This topic has been written to help married couples understand the sexual function in marriage. Please do not proceed if you are not married. Thank you.

Physical Intimacy - Part 1

 A topic that is most ignored or abused. What do you know about sex? Where did you first learn about sex? What was your first encounter with anything of that subject? Who told you about sex? Where did you get your example that you follow? What are the taboos you carry on the subject? Is sex a bad thing, a good thing or a  nothing to you? How do you view sexual intercourse? Is sex just for marriage? Do you have sex and how satisfied are you with your sex life. What is orgasm? Is sex only for men's enjoyment? Can women enjoy sex too? How can sex be used to abuse the body and what are the consequences of such violation?
These are some of the questions we will address on this subject today.

First and foremost I am writing from the perspective of a Christian and will attempt to discuss what God says about this matter. I have great news for you. Sex is a good thing. No Sex is a GREAT thing when done as the designer intended it to be used. God created Man and Woman and said to them be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. So now we know that God intended mankind to have sex as it is the way of procreation. We see that every living thing has a form of intercourse necessary for procreation. So in order to fulfil God's instruction to multiply he created the organs necessary for procreation in humans, which are the Penis in men and the Vagina in women. Phew! that is finally settled.
Now the story of the birds and the bees is as follows; the birds produce eggs just like the woman and the bees disperse pollen which is like the sperm of the man. Hence the story of the birds and the bees. For children to be born the man's penis will produce sperm and give it to the woman's eggs during sexual intercourse. Okay now for serious business. How?

The Man
The man is the one responsible for fertilising the egg of the woman with his sperm which he produces in the scrotum or the 2 tiny sacks on either side of his penis. These produce sperm every 3 days and they start looking for a way out. Hence the man seems to always be ready to have sex.

Woman
The woman produces eggs on a 28 day cycle and is usually most receptive to receiving the sperm of the man around the 14th day of that cycle. This is because that is about the time the egg is being released from the ovaries which produces the  eggs. She is at her peak at that time as the oestrogen hormone is at its highest level then.
So here we have a dichotomy. The man has a 3 day cycle and the woman a 28 day cycle with a mid cycle when they may want sex. So how do we achieve a sexual union that satisfies both parties and keep everyone happy during the cycles.?

The 5 Senses of Sex

 The Man
The man needs sex and wants sex and enjoys sex except if he is stressed or ill. Men are visual beings
and are stimulated by what they see. Ladies do not reveal parts of your bodies that you are not prepared to share with those whom you are displaying yourself to. It causes lust and distraction. Men are also stimulated by touch. All this is normal. God made it so.Men  please know that it is not a sin to be stimulated it is what you do with it that matters. It is okay to be stimulated by your wife and do what ever you two do to make things happen. For all other times God has provided you the ability to have self control. Use it. It will save you from a lot of misery. He has also cautioned you to flee from the seductress and those who will want to reveal their bodies to you and touch you in an inappropriate manner that are not your wives. Dont let them enter your cars or have tea and coffee with. Don't go for friendly lunch with them or  try to help solve their issues. It is not your job to do so. These are all innuendos developed by women to get you into awkward and compromising situations. The bible warns against the strange woman. It says that he who sleeps with her is putting fire into their bones. Drink water from your own cistern and living water from your own well. Let the breast of your wife satisfy you all the days of your life.

The Woman
The woman is stimulated by touch, smell,sound  and taste. And to a lesser extent Sight. Yes boys, women are complicated. Very much so. Women like a man that smells nice in the body and the mouth. They like nice ambience and any farting, belching or sudden sound outside the room may completely ruin the moment for them. They are highly sensitive and once the moment is gone it is gone. Sex to a woman is not about whether the man can deliver in terms of the intercourse itself but it starts in their hearts.

Physical Intimacy - Part 2

The Sexual Act -

Men are from Mars and women from Venus I have heard it said. Well they are certainly different and we celebrate their differences. It makes it all exciting. For men sex is like the gas fire. One spark and they are fully alight and when they are done it takes a second to switch off.. For women, they are the Electric cooker. They take a long time to get going/heat up but once heated take a long time to cool down. So a man comes ready for intercourse whilst a woman's head is still in the kitchen thinking of the dirty dishes or the clothes yet to wash or the baby asleep in the next room or the request the man rejected that morning or the smell of coffee or food on the man's breath or that he smells like he has been wrestling gorillas or something someone said at work or unfinished deadlines or  she simply has a headache to put it mildly.

How do both parties get on the same page so that they can both have a great time. Well here is my take on it.

The Man

Men need sex. It is the premier way they express their love. It makes them feel accepted and cherished. It releases stress build-up. It makes them feel like men. Even though men get aroused by sight, touch is very important to them. If you are new at this it takes time to know which areas of your man's body fully awakens him and gives him pleasure during foreplay. The sexual organs are highly sensitive to touch, so are other areas of the body. Talk to your man and observe his reaction to your touch and you will soon learn the key areas for him. Don't forget the kiss as well. Since men are stimulated by sight it may be great for you be naked, with the lights on or wear very little or see through clothing to the occasion. Smell nice, Make sure the essential parts are clean and smelling inviting. A good all over massage will melt away any stress build up as well.

The Woman

The woman does not have to reach orgasm to enjoy sex. The woman can reach orgasm but does not necessarily reach it every time and not reaching it does no mean that the man did not perform although he can help her enjoy it all the same. What I mean by that is that because of the woman's hormonal discharges, how and when she reaches orgasm might be based on those days. A woman does not reach orgasm only when the man is inside of her. The most sensitive and pleasurable part of a woman is not necessarily the vagina but the clitoris. This is the little sharp like organ on top of the entrance to the vagina. The Latin translation is "the little key". Men, this little key will determine how quickly the electric cooker gets hot. When stimulated by touch it gives great pleasure to the woman and gets her sexual organs excited. She will be begging for all of you. If you find your wife is unfulfilled in the area of sex, its time to learn more about this little key and the new wonders to the door it unlocks. 

As mentioned earlier, depending on which stage a woman is in her life, whether they are nursing mothers or going though menopause, women can enjoy sex if they have a sensitive partner. Someone sensitive to their needs. They like to be touched as well. Ask your wife what makes her happy and what she hates you doing. One wrong move and the moment is lost. So discuss with your babes. It will pay big dividends. Some women like to be caressed in the breast with the hand or the lips. Do not caress them like you are trying to unlock them. A woman knows when you are hurrying them up to warm up. Do it because you love them. You want to feel them. You want to hold them. You love their body.  Ask your lady what works best and perfect it. Remember that after you have done all this the woman may still not have an orgasm but she would have been really satisfied. This is because the woman usually achieve orgasm a few minutes after the men and may have had mini ones during foreplay and intercourse.I recommend the men let the women tell them when to go. This means that the women know when they are about to get an orgasm and the men will hold on till then before they release. If they do that, both will go at the same time and it will become a wonderfully awesome experience for both. As they say men, She is worth the wait.

It is important that in this age of media perception of what is beautiful that both spouses learn to comment on how wonderful the other's skin is and how they love their spouses bodies. Some husbands have names for their wife's assets and celebrates them. Hey they are your assets so admire them instead of someone else's outside. I tell my husband that he has a "fine" body and 'Adonis' has nothing on him.

By the time you both have done your jobs it will be all systems go and you are bound to have a great sexual intercourse. After that it is important that the men don't just roll away and have a quick snore. Women love to be cuddled and appreciated for the pleasure they have delivered and vice versa. No need saying "how was it for you?"only.. A simple "thank you that was really wonderful darling" will go a long way and  a kiss and a squeeze will do nicely.

Having said all that, men and women might be hampered in enjoying sex due to low libido, impotency, illness, hormonal deficiency and other psychological problems. If that is what you are experiencing please seek help. Doctors now can prescribe appropriate treatments including counselling.

Sex is a gift for marriage given by God for couples to grow deeper and closer together.

Inappropriate uses

As mentioned earlier I promised to discuss inappropriate uses of the sexual organs as well. There is a saying that when the purpose of a thing is not known then abuse is imminent. It holds true for the sexual function too. Sex in marriage must never be used as a means of manipulation or control. Your body belongs to your spouse and you must give them access to it as and when requested in love. No one has the right to take the body by force and rape the other. We have discussed that the sexual function is necessary in a marriage to promote harmony and to procreate. Do no use it as a tool to have your  way. 

Secondly the sexual organs are the penis to the vagina. No other organ was built to interact with these organs and they must not be used to.  The flora and fauna of these organs are specific and any mix and match of those areas  that are not meant for sexual intercourse causes diseases including STDs such as HIV, Bowel dysfunction, cancer to name a few. I can assure your that there is no greater pleasure in using the other organs for sex than is appropriate. It is all propagated by hedonistic pornographic media. It was never God's plan for mankind to abuse their bodies in the pursuit of sexual pleasures. No one who has done so has been fully satisfied, so they invent more cruel ways to satisfy their passions. If you are abusing your spouse's body by doing any of the above please repent. Go say sorry and ask for help from God. He will heal you of inordinate affections and restore your sexual appetite. 

Thirdly you have been given your sexual organs to fulfil your spouses needs not your own. Concentrating on your own pleasure only is a form of vampirism. You are draining life from your spouse. When the two of you are both gaining pleasure then you are sharing yourselves one to the other. Let not sex be all about you. If you make it about the other person then it will be mutually satisfying.

Last Word

Finally, sex is great right? of course it is. It is not meant for anyone outside of your marriage. When you go outside of your marriage you loose the purity in your sex life. You dilute the freshly squeezed sexual juice meant for your spouse only. You will not be fully satisfied because you have this guilt hanging over you whilst you are making lust and although it is said that forbidden fruit is sweeter it will lead you to loose your family, your children and your home. Was that fruit worth eating? You move around your home with this secret that you cannot share and you will never achieve ultimate intimacy. You loose your peace and start a downward spiral of destruction. Even if you are able to tell your spouse and they forgive you, you would have invited suspicion to come live in your home forever. It will never go away and trust broken will take decades to repair. 

Okay back to the good stuff. Sex is great and it does not start in the bedroom. Sex starts in the morning. The look, the touch, the help with breakfast, the waking at night to feed the baby, the taking the bin outside, the helping to wash the dishes, or do homework with the child, or the gentle hug and the gentle kiss in the forehead, cheeks or lips, just because. Set the mood from sunrise if you intend to go to paradise at sunset.

 If it takes flowers buy them, if words, say them, if work, do them , if touch go there, if smell wash them, if sight look great. Enjoy a great sex life you deserve it.

A Family that Prays together ...........

Spiritual Intimacy

I was at a women's meeting the other day when someone asked the question;"How do you get your husband to pray with you?" I was not really satisfied with the answers and when I do not have complete peace about something, I chew on it in my mind. Now hardly any of these women have the issue of a husband who refuses to pray with them but the question is valid for many Christian women around the world. So after chewing on the issue for a while I asked my husband the question. I said to him, Honey, how can a woman get her husband to pray with her? He said to me very calmly, "they must go back to the foundation of intimacy: hand to hand, learn how to laugh together, discuss the small stuff communicate"

I paused for a moment, looking a bit lost and on seeing my expression he began to explain. When a man refuses to pray with his wife, that tells you that there are unresolved issues and a whole lot of selfishness in the marriage somehow. You see, it is the responsibility of the man as the head of the home to be a prayer cover for his family. His refusal to pray indicates rebellion, disobedience, selfishness and pure ignorance. He has left his home's door open for the strongman to enter in and bind him. He has no clue the damage he is doing to himself. You see, they are one flesh which means they are one man, If a man's right foot refuses to walk in accordance to the man's other foot he will surely stumble and fall. So if a man and a woman in a marriage are not praying together then there has been a communication breakdown, there is to put is bluntly, 'fire on the mountain'. They have got themselves into situations where they cannot see the woods from the trees. Although it is his responsibility to nip this in the bud by being like God; loving unconditionally he is as they say behaving like a woman. The bible has cautioned husbands to love their wives as their own body as no one ever hates his own body. And that if they refuse, then their own personal prayers will be a waste of time as non will ever be answered. This tells us that God takes this love very seriously and every blessing a married man receives is based on their love attitude towards their wives. After all the saying goes that  it is he who finds a wife that finds a good thing and obtains favour from God not she who finds a husband.

So what will cause a man to refuse to pray with his wife? Well I was reading 'Dusty Crowns' by Heather Lindsey recently and she was warning women who have the know it all attitude. She was asking them to receive the ministry of silence. I got from all that she mentioned that sometimes women can think that they are more spiritually matured than their husbands and bash them with scriptures every waking moment. Their tongues keep wagging with the "bible says this and that" every time the man makes a mistake. This can be very discouraging, disrespectful and downright rudeness. It is the man's responsibility to be the spiritual head of the home. Stop trying to lead him. Don't Usurp his headship. You can never be the man or the head. You are not wired for it. Your job is to pray for them to come to that position not bash them into it. A man likes to be respected and honoured by his woman and I know that there is a right and wrong way to make a man pray with you. Their refusal is a sign that you are using the wrong method. However as mentioned earlier it is not the responsibility of the woman to make her man pray with her but the man's responsibility to pray with his woman. 

This is what my husband was trying to say. 'Foundation'. What is the foundation of the marriage? On what is the marriage built? Is it on money, beauty, ambition, fame, or  God? When you were saying yes to the man who is supposed to be your spiritual covering where you looking for a man whose life was Christ centred or Chrysler centred? Was it about his money, his car his house his family or his looks, or was it about selecting someone who will be a great covering for you? Someone that will pray with you and wants to, and someone who understands the necessity of praying with you and building a hedge of spiritual security around your home. So as usual we always say go back to the beginning. If you married someone who was not Christ centred and was ignorant of his responsibility as your spiritual head then why do you think he will want to pray with you now? He had no intention before what has changed?  My husband and I are counsellors under the 2=1 ministry and the pre-marriage course for those who are preparing for marriage is the best  gift any couple can give themselves. It gives them a foundation centred on Christ and leaves no topic under the carpet. By the time you get to the covenant topic of discussion you will know whether you are ready for marriage and whether you have made the right choice. Couples who have attended have either had their choices confirmed or if they had no idea they would leave knowing without a doubt what they are about to get themselves into and whether they are ready to do so with that particular person. 

Every married person knows that it takes daily death to the selfish flesh to stay married and to grow in your marriage. So it all comes down to making the choice and selecting who you want to die for on a daily basis. Do not expect a man who is not interested in God to make prayer his priority. Neither have the wishful thinking that he will change when you marry him. Girlfriend!, what they are before they marry you become magnified in the marriage. If he is a lukewarm, carnal Christian don't expect him to suddenly become a saint because he got married. It will take more that a wedding day to bring transformation. Only God can open the eyes of the blind. He is blinded in that area and it will take  much grace from his wife to get those eyes open to the need for praying together.. Secondly, how we approach that request when a man is blinded is key. Thirdly if you have major issues in your marriage don't expect where selfishness is king to see any light of a prayer of agreement happening. It will take a godly praying woman to make a plan to get her man to a place where he takes up his responsibility knowingly and joyfully.

As I was going to work yesterday, I heard the spirit's answer to my question;  "Pray a blessing over him daily. In other words speak words of encouragement to him as he prepares for work or before he sleeps. Let him hear you bless him.It will become something he sees as good and necessary and will volunteer to join you eventually". Hey, This is Gods strategy not mine. 

So if you have a problem of your husband not praying with you, apart from your own personal devotion time, begin to speak life into him. Declare over him when you  see him words such as,

you are a good man, you will stand before kings, favour will follow you today, you will see great blessing from your efforts, you are my perfect covering in this house,  I respect and honour you, you are a great man, you are a great father. You see why I said it will take the death of the flesh to do this? Don't say " God, make my husband a good husband, let him love me, let him be a good father to his children, change his heart . Those are prayers for your closet honey not for his ears. In his presence you declare what you prayed him to be in your closet. So in all our getting ladies let us as women get wisdom and understanding so we can build our house. 

My issue was not about praying with my husband but not being able to pray with him because I harboured unforgiveness and resentment. You see if you develop a habit of praying together you have to hold very short accounts of unforgiveness and anger. You will always know when a fire is lighting on your mountain because you will not be able to agree in prayer. I knew it was useless to pretend to agree with my husband when I am angry about something. So I have learnt to keep my heart before the lord and he identifies areas of hardness and I allow him to heal me up and deal with all the emotional stuff women are baggage with so I am always ready to agree with him in prayer.  The bible says that if a strongman knows when the thief was coming to steal in his house he will prepare for him. Before a thief can steal your property he must disable you by binding you first. don't give him opportunity to bind you with resentment, hardness of heart or unforgiveness and disable you prayer life, if he does he will steal your home, your spouse and your children. Prepare for him by being alert in your emotions and purposing in your mind not to hold grudges. Only you will suffer in the end.

In conclusion, when a man takes his rightful place and prays with his wife synergy happens, there is exponential growth and overflow of blessings. There is much peace even in the midst of the storm. There is growth in  respect and honour. Love multiplies and you can never stay angry for long for if you do, then you cannot agree with him in prayer.