I have been here. Yes I have. I can own up to it now because I did not stay there. To be honest if you have been married for some time now some people more than a day then you will have had at least one of these experiences. What does the picture say to you. Perhaps for you, it reminds you of a conflict in your marriage or a point of no return. For others they are making stories up for the couples and giving them thoughts. Well who knows. All I know is they can face each other when they choose to. Its all down to choices. Let us assume for the purpose of this article that they are in a place of conflict, they cannot agree on a particular and important decision and they are faced with a dilemma. Or perhaps One has said something to another and they are now both wondering what the other person is feeling and thinking.
I have faced both scenarios before and here is what the self/ego is doing. It is playing the Pseudo Counselor. It says to the man "do you really want to do this thing? No if you give in she will think you are weak and you will loose respect" and it goes to the woman and says "you know you are right this is not the time to back down, you are always giving in. You need to stick to your guns on this one. It is very important to you". Or vice versa. These thought processes do not help anybody, but we have them. They are our initial reaction to conflicting ideas. But nobody wins. This is not a game, it is reality. The above train of thought if left unaddressed wisely will eventually lead to a divorce. A situation created for growth can suddenly become so huge in our minds that it becomes a fundamental difference of opinion that cannot be resolved.
However here is how I have seen it become a point of growth and intimacy.
1. when the above thought comes there is always an opposite one which says, "why don't you turn round and hold his/her hand. Look in there eyes and say penny for your thoughts?"
2. Following through with this second thought will crush the ego and kill you in the process. Here we remind our self to deny our "self" and die as it is said "unless a tree falls to the earth and die it remains alone". This is true of every area of growth. If you need something to multiply you must kill it, or loose it. So you fight the emotions and mindset a bit and finally struck up the courage to say "honey penny for your thoughts?"
3. Suddenly the light enters the space and there is touch down! the tense atmosphere is dissipated and the forum for discussion is open.
4. A few minutes ago you were both lost in your private thoughts looking in the opposite direction. Now you are both facing each other in the mood for discussion.
5.Even if the answer comes back as the usual "Nothing" you can smile and start with "You know I wanted you to understand my thoughts on why I think we should..............................................
Phew !
6. No matter what if you will do as the wise man said "a quiet word turns away wrath" you will discover a whole lot of stuff going on inside your partner's head and it will reveal another side of them you have never had the privilege of before. It will always take patience, death to self and calmness to get into the head of your partner, so pay the price and make the choice and you will nor regret it.
As I said before, I have been here many times. We get here every time we need to grow closer and we have recognized the pattern. However that does not mean that it gets easier. I have discovered that humility is my best friend so every time I am faced with the above I ask its opinion and the answer is always the same; " it will not kill you to do it". So Like humility will say "It will not kill you to do so".
You have forever in your marriage. Its a till "death do you part situation" so learn to die to pettiness and embrace change and growth. Growing is painful hence the term "growing pains" But once a child cannot walk and therefore it was restricted but now as a man he can run and swim and walk and well, choose not to walk and just lie there like a baby. My point is go through the process of growth and having done all the growing necessary if you still want to lie there and well daydream then let it be. I am sure that after you have you will turn to your spouse and tell them all you thought about. Let your bedroom be a place of peace and rest not conflict and turmoil. Enjoy!
