Love - the secret of living

 St Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:1 about this open secret and it is the main sermon at many a wedding ceremony but do we understand it at all? I think not. If you sk  each of the 7 billion people on earth to define love you will get 7 billion different definitions. I like St Pauls definition because it is the hardest to do and the one that I have experienced from God. So I will stick to that in this post. It Goes like this ;

1 Corinthians 13 The Message (MSG)

The Way of Love

13 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.

11 When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Wow! give yourself a pat in the back if you love like this. If love is looking so difficult to do from where I am standing, Why is it the greatest commandment of all? Every religion has this one unifying factor. LOVE. Why will God ask us to love if it was impossible. 

Because we have been  given the ability to do so. It is also written that God has shed His love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Basically its like a mother sending her child to the corner shop to buy milk and not giving them money.Will they do that? No. So why will God? If you cannot buy milk without money neither can you love without having the ability to do so. The issue then is what the child chooses to do with the money. Do they go and buy milk or sweets and if they choose sweets, what will that mean for the family breakfast and what will the mother do about it?

So we have a situation with this same thing love. The ability to love has been given to every person on this earth and we can ask for deeper love if we want and it will be given to us. Whether we are keen believers in God or staunch atheists God still gives in great measures because the universe is kept together and in order by Love. What we choose to do with love is another thing. The belief in the non existence of God is usually based on the fact that there is so much suffering and atrocities and if God existed then this would not be. So will the rest of the family blame the mum for no milk because the child sent to buy the milk decided to spend it unwisely and buy sweets instead, depriving the entire family of milk for breakfast or whatever the need for milk was? I think they will be mad at the child not the mum. 

The same should hold true for love. Love is this invisible power that keeps everything in balance and every human being carries a sufficient amount to give to others to keep the universe in balance. If we decide to take advantage of it by with  holding it or manipulating it then should we blame God for the atrocities that result? I don't think so. 

Love is really a magic portion. The most potent there is. it inspires, invigorates, initiates, regenerates and restores faith in humanity. When you love something it grows and becomes better and you grow and become a better person as well. So love is mutually beneficial. The interesting thing is that the greatest commandment is not to be loved but to love because if each of us love the other everyone will be loved and no one will be left out. 

St Paul tells us that unless we love, we are nothing. So why will we be nothing? I have been thinking about this. I realised that it is because without love we can enjoy nothing. The big house, fancy cars, expensive jewellery, luxury holidays, fine dining and the best jobs in the world will not bring us satisfaction. Neither sexual pleasures no extremities will give us satisfaction. Because love is the ingredient that makes them all worthwhile. When you love, you live. When you don't love you die. You see, you become a dead man walking when you you are loveless. You make decisions like a soulless being. You loose your humanity without love. You become a beast so to speak. Even some beasts show signs of love to their mates and young. To love is to care about another's welfare as well as your own. To empathise with another and make decisions concerning them as if you were their shoes. 

When you love you light up the world. Literally you become the light of the world. You light up your corner of the universe. You become the sun around which everyone else revolves. Love is so powerful. It elevates and compensates, it promotes and strengthens, its respects and honours, it creates and jubilates. Love is the constant overflowing of ecstasy expressed in diverse forms all for the ultimate purpose of peace on earth and goodwill to all men. Jesus once said that greater love has no man than to lay his life down for another.

Wow, does he mean dying for someone? If it comes to that I guess, But More so denying yourself something is equivalent to death to self so someone else can live. In our society where looking after number one is our ultimate ambition how can love be expressed? If there is only one cab, I want to be the one that gets it because its too cold or raining and I don't want to be stranded, If the bus is late and there are more people than places on it I want to cut the line and push until I am not left behind. 

I must admit I have done both of those and each time I hear a voice in my head saying how will you like it if someone did this to you? That has not stopped me from doing it though. So we all like the nice things in life and as we were discussing in the last post we all love to be loved in the way we can appreciate and recognise it as love, which is our love language.

But should we focus on our love language or our spouse's? Should it always be about us. I am beginning to realise that I feel dissatisfied and empty  when its all about me and I must admit that sometimes I feel trapped in that state. When it is not all about me I can hardly function. So I began to actively pursue the love that is not about me. Yes a very difficult task indeed. however I realised it is one thing to be loved it is a totally different thing to Love. I can tell you without repentance that it is more blessed to love than to be loved. 

There is a sense of wholeness and completeness when you do a selfless act for another which is completely different than when someone does one for you. Its magnifies exponentially. Its as if the big bang has just taken place. If you could see your self as a light substance you will see that the light in you explodes into so many different directions and brings such illumination the universe is better for it. 

Truly in order to dispel darkness we should just be the light. Love is that light. We can talk and criticize and debate and point fingers and shake our heads and deny the existence of God or Love but when we give out love there is no denial that it does exist and it is the best feeling in the universe. 

So what am I trying to say. I am a feeling person. I do everything from the heart. I make decisions from the heart and if I cannot I do not compromise. I will leave that decision until I feel it. 

Can you imagine if my heart was taken away and I have a gaping hole left in it? oh by the way our true heart is bigger than our heart organ on our body. It is our soul. A soulless person is a zombie and is incapable of love.

I think that in situations of the heart when we are involved in a relationship we think that we can only give love as much as we get it. But it should not be so. Love is for giving (forgiving). It is not love if it has not been given. We must evolve to a plain of conciousness where we give love not as a reward for receiving love but as the reason for our being.  In a relationship it is quite difficult. Our first reaction to a loveless situation is to shrink from loving in order to protect out own hearts. However our hearts die slowly as we continue to so called protect it from hurting by withholding love. Love grows as we venture to give it. Like the 5 loaves of bread and two fishes it can feed five thousand. Love  may hurt but that hurt reminds us that we are alive and kicking. 

If we have no love we cannot function properly. We are all beings of Love and light and without love we are truly nothing. So instead of going around the world looking for love and feeling that space in our hearts with all these things, lets reach out to someone and show some love and guess what?; we will  feel our love space light up with a big Bang.

The Ultimate Love language

Forsaking All Others I take Thee

In my last post I asked you to take the 60secs love language test to discover your love language. Its great for everyone to know how they receive love because our backgrounds are all different and we receive love based on that. However as I have discovered, we all grow and change and so does our love languages. To a new father quality time and touch may rank as priority on his list and to a widower acts of service might mean more to him. Who knows? It is my experience that depending on the milestones in my life my love language has changed so many times my Husband constantly needs the Spirit of God to decern it. 

As a young mum, acts of service was on the top of my list, and as my kids grew older; both of whom are teenagers now, quality time is my number one priority. I know that I will continue to grow and require different expressions of love and I expect nothing less from my husband. 

It was the thoughts of these that followed a discussion yesterday with him about whether the love languages where truly exhaustive. Well as usual I am a deep thinker and come up with the most amazing and sometimes ridiculous questions, not so that I can be difficult but because my personality is such that I am an all or nothing person. I lead with my heart and if I do not feel I find it difficult to do anything.  

So I asked him if he thinks that there could possibly be a love language that acts as an umbrella to all the other 5 and without which the beloved will be incapable of  receiving any of the 5. He looked at me bewildered (like here we go again) but attempted to answer the question. He did a pretty good job of it but I realised by the time he had finished that he had not understood my question at all. So I assured him that I will attempt to say what I mean in my next post. So here it is. 

I am so grateful to Dr Gary Chapman who all those years ago attempted to organise the thoughts we have all been having into words and we finally sigh and utter our appreciation for helping us to understand why someone saying I love you to me means less to me than when they tell me, how great there life is because I am in it. Like they say, love is definitely more than words. Now if we all want to have a happy relationship we will all make the effort not only to discover what our love language is but that of our spouses and also exactly why that particular language. It is so much fun as it brings us closer and help us understand each other on a deeper level.

Now back to my thoughts on the universal love language that makes all others possible. 

The United Nations acts as an umbrella for so many other organisation that I have lost count all of which will not be possible if it the UN umbrella, did not exist. The formation of that one has made it possible for UNEP, UNESCO, WHO, UNHCR, UNICEF etc etc all doing great work. An umbrella organisation is where decisions are made that affect all these other organisations. 

So I set myself the task to discover if such existed for there to be this great demonstration of our undying love which we have come to call the 5 love languages. Like the UN all the other organisations are expressing  the language of the UN in different forms. I decided to look at the marriage vows themselves. Well the traditional ones specifically. I discovered that in order for any couple to express their love using the 5 love languages, they have to have one fundamental foundation and umbrella. That one true expression of Love is called FORSAKING ALL OTHERS I TAKE THEE. I began to meditate on the enormity of this vow. Gosh it blew me away! With so many distractions in this world how does one forsake all others till death separates them?The world is designed to distract and attract. So how does one commit to one person as a life partner and stick to that commitment without wavering even just a little and harmlessly?

 I began to think of the security of Love. When someone knows they are loved its like a light is switched on in them. Its like a fire is burning and warming them all over. Its like they can overcome any challenge and win any race. Its like there are no impossibilities. We say we are in love then. Usually we are being loved. So yes it becomes easy for us to receive any of the 5 love languages as our love language. With Touch; we tingle all over, Gifts; we feel in cloud 9, Acts of service; we are truly grateful and feel well looked after, quality time; we love being in the best company in the world, and with words of affirmation; now nothing is impossible for us, bring it on!. 

To millions of couples out there expressing their love using the 5 love languages is like alien to them. Their culture, mindset or the status quo has prevented them in any form of expression. If a man expresses acts of service to a woman he will be told that the woman has bewitched him. So he will put up an ego and prefer to be seen as macho than express his love to his wife in the way she can receive or appreciate it. From most of the survey I have seen, sex or touch and words of affirmation ranks as number  1 and 2 in the case of most men whereas in the case of women acts of service rules or quality time tend to take the top spots. But can any of us really receive any of these love language if we do not feel secure in the love of our spouses? If we are suspicious that the love they vowed to us is being drained by a third party or if betrayal has reared its ugly head?

I don't think so. If you imagine that your spouse has betrayed you somehow and you feel insecure in his love will you accept his touch, words of affirmation, gifts etc, etc? I think not. It is difficult in the face of suspicion to accept any of these expressions of love. As I always say the true reason for anything is what is left when all is stripped away. So if you cannot accept the expression of your love language because your heart is heavy with suspicion and you feel insecure in your spouse's love for you then you have just discovered what the purest love language is. It is the security of their love for you.

Sometimes taken for granted as always being there it is the bairn of many marriages. How many people will say they are 100% secured in their spouses love for them and if not why not? Do we as spouses do all we can to make our partners secured in our love for them. Suspicion is the one biggest killer of romance and if allowed to enter into the head of a spouse is very difficult almost impossible to get rid off whether it is founded or not. With suspicion comes distrust and where there is lack of trust nothing that person does matters any more. They  can express all they want but the other will rebuff their effort as that of a guilty behaviour. So having thought through this I really think it is then most important for both the couple to work on securing the heart and mind of their spouses so that the door of suspicion is firmly kept short. 

We live in a world where there are attractions and distractions all aiming for our attention. We are drawn to them emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and technologically and there seems to be no escape. I remember a friend of mine telling me that her business man husband told her that when he travels for work, he experiences a lot of women vying for his attention and even though he speaks openly and continuously about his wife and is wearing a wedding band, they will say it does not matter and he is not the only one married in this world. 

So it really does not matter if you have 5 gold rings one for each of your fingers there are times when whether or not you asked for it seducers and flirters will come knocking at your secured door of love.  There you are minding your own business and never in a million years desiring to ever destabilise your spouse's confidence in the security of your love for them but there are all manner of things trying to break down that security. Like I said it happens to both parties male and female. I have experienced men wanting to be my friend and telling me that my husband does not need to know. So I understand. Also you might be the seducer or the flirter. Some people enjoy that sort of thing completely disregarding how dishonourably it makes their spouse's feel.What is one to do when these things happen?.

 Do you say it is just an innocent friendship and we are just colleagues or do you keep that door shut firmly?

As a Christian we are advised to FLEE from all signs of fornication.My question to that is what are the signs? Some relationships outside of marriages start as genuine friendships. So how can you tell that they have changed or evolved. Well it seems more easy for women than men. Women can tell if a compliment from a man is just a compliment of something more. A man cannot even tell if the compliment he gave was just a compliment. We are just designed differently. Jesus said to men not to women  that adultery and desire is the same thing so we begin to understand that desire is the culprit. The desire for something is the seed to every cause and effect in the universe. So we must watch our desires. We must understand why we desire what we desire and all that goes with it. It helps us calm the noises in our heads. It helps us understand ourself better and it helps us fulfil the roles of spouses and the expectations of our role in our  marriage better. 

Can we forsake all? Why do we have that clause in our vows? How do we forsake all? I will discuss that in another post. For now suffice it to say that unless your spouse is secured in your love for them no matter what their love language is it cannot be fully received by them because somehow you have managed to open the door of suspicion. If that is the case its time to have a loooooong chat again and it will take a loooong while to get them back to a place of complete trust in you. But you are in this for the long haul so  be patient with them, trust once broken can sometimes never be restored. Like I said in one of my post this will be your new  normal so make the most of it. Let your actions spak louder than your words.

I want to enjoy my spouse's expression of my love language. Well I know how complicated I am but he tries. Its a wonderful feeling to feel fully secured in another's' love for you . to be in a place of no doubt and knowing that in all their choices they are always forsaking all others and choosing you. Wow! It is a great place to be.I hope and pray that everyone reading this will experience that pace of security and continue to do so as long as they both shall live.  If at the moment for some reason or another you are not experiencing that security of your spouses love, I pray for you that you will heal up. That you will love no matter what and that you will get back to that place of security. Till then enjoy the one and only secured love that in immutable. That of Gods love for you. When all else fails his light still shines, and you need no prenuptial agreement to enjoy it.

 “The 5 Love Languages:
The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Dr. Gary Chapman
The five love languages 

The 60 second quiz 

For each pair of following statements, circle the one that fits you best within your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, try to imagine how you would like to be treated if you were. Or think about how you like to be treated by family members and close friends.

1. I like to receive encouraging or affirming notes A 

    I like to be hugged E 

2. I like to spend one-to-one time with close friends B 

     I feel loved when someone gives me practical help D

3. I like it when people give me gifts C 

    I like leisurely visits with friends and loved ones B 

4. I feel loved when people do things to help me D 

    I feel loved when people give me a reassuring hand shake or hug E 

5. I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts their arm around me E

    I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone I admire or love C 

6. I like to go places with friends or loved ones B 

    I like to high-five or slap around with friends who are special to me E 

7. Visible symbols of love (such as gifts) are important to me C

    I feel loved when people affirm me A 

8. I like to sit close to people I enjoy being around E 

    I like it when people tell me I’m attractive/handsome A 

9. I like to spend time with friends and loved ones B 

    I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones C 

10. Words of acceptance are important to me A

      I know someone loves me when he or she helps me D 

11. I like being together and doing things with friends & loved ones B

      I like it when kind words are spoken to me A 

12. What someone does affects me far more than what they say D 

      Hugs make me feel connected and valued E 

13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism A

     Several small gifts mean more to me than one large gift C 

14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together B 

      I feel closer to friends & loved ones when we wrestle, hug or shake hands E 

15. I like for people to complement my achievements A 

      I know people love me when they do things for me they don‟t enjoy doing D 

16. I like for people to cross the street to shake hands or hug when they see me E 

      I like when people listen to me & show genuine interest in what I‟m saying B 

17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects D 

      I really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones C 

18. I like for people to complement my appearance A 

      I feel loved when people take time to understand my feelings B 

19. I feel secure when a special person is physically close to me E 

      Acts of service make me feel loved D 

20. I appreciate the many things that special people do for me D

      I like to receive gifts that special people make for me C  

 21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone gives me undivided attention B 

       I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone does some act to serve me D 

22. I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with a gift C 

      I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words A 

23. I know a person is thinking of me when they give me a gift C

      I feel loved when a person helps me with my chores or tasks D 

24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn’t interrupt me B 

      I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift C 

25. I like knowing loved ones are concern enough to help with my daily tasks D

      I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me B 

26. I don’t mind the “kiss-hello‟ with friends I am close to E 

      Receiving a gift given for no special reason excites me C 

27. I like to be told that I am appreciated A 

      I like for a person to look at me when they are talking B 

28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me C

      I feel good when a friend or loved one hugs or touches me E 

29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested D

      I feel loved when I am told how much I am appreciated A 

30. I need physical contact with people everyday E 

      I need words of encouragement and affirmation everyday A 

Now go through your quiz again and count how many “A, B, C, D and Es” you circled and place the number in below. 

TOTALS: 

A: ________ B: ________ C: ________ D: ________ E: ________ 

Which letter has your highest score? That is your primary love 

language: 

• A = Words of Affirmation 

• B = Quality Time 

• C = Receiving Gifts 

• D = Acts of Service 

• E = Physical Touch 

Words of Affirmation 

One of your deepest needs is the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and humble words are all ways to show love to you. 

Quality Time 

You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We aren’t talking about just sitting in front of the T.V. together but really giving each other undivided attention. This means looking at each other, talking to each other, sharing your life with your partner. 

Receiving Gifts 

You are happy to receive things from your loved ones. They don’t have to be expensive. The gift is a 

symbol of “s/he cares about me” and “s/he thinks of me”. 

Acts of Service

For you, actions speak louder than words! You prefer your partner to do things for you such as cooking a meal, giving a massage, cleaning the room… You like your partner to initiate the acts of service and put efforts into doing them to show that s/he cares.

Physical Touch 

You love to receive a hug, a kiss, squeezes on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face, and an arm around the waist... Touches can be 10 times as powerful and comforting as any words! 

•Further reading on “the 5 love languages” can be found in http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ or the 

book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Dr. Gary Chapman

To have and to hold

                                   To have and to hold

I recently heard about a Pastor who was beating his wife because she cannot wake up to pray with him at his usual 2 am prayer time. This woman has to be up for work at 6 pm. She has never had to wake up to pray at 2 pm before she got married, and neither does she feel the burden to do so now. She wanted to leave the marriage because her husband's idea of a prayerful wife is not matching her own. 

It seems to me that the husband is regretting marrying this fine lady because all his aspirations for her are turning pear shaped. 

Did he want a wife or a prayer partner? Did she sign a contract to pray with him at all times he feels the leading to do so? Does he know that it is an abomination before God to force anyone to pray with you under duress much more so your spouse? Does he realise that his prayers do not even float to the roof of his house not to talk of going to heaven?

What makes these so called pastors think that they have the right to order their wives around? Do they have any idea what a help mate is? His wife was given to him to learn how to love like God does. God does not coerce anyone to do anything. He sticks by his decision to grant us the liberty to make our own choices and decisions. He loves us even when we do not make great choices and get into a rut. He is constantly helping us to get back on our feet with no hidden agenda to make him look good. As the song goes "he is the wind beneath our wings, the footsteps in the sand and the shadow behind our greatness". So knowing all this full well David a king of Israel coined my favorite phrase in the bible about a true lover. In referring to God he writes" Your gentleness has made me great". I see that in my husband every day and I thank God for that. 

How many people can say that of their spouses? I do not say this to make anyone feel bad but as a challenge to myself included. Am I a gentle lover?

Am I tolerant, patience, long suffering, encouraging, generous with my complements and affirmations, tough in my determination not to indulge in my spouses self pity, caring enough to understand his trials and challenges and empathetic enough to help him overcome them? 

Well I have discovered that God's arms are open wide to me everyday and I have learnt and experienced on a daily basis the greatest  unconditional love ever. So I draw from my experience with his love and endeavour to be likewise to those around me more so to my beloved husband. I do stumble a few times but my choice remains to get there, so daily I choose gentleness in my approach towards him. It feels pretty great when someone is gentle towards me so I would like to let my spouse experience that as well.

Why should it always be one sided? Marriage is a double edged sword. So let both sides experience the pain and the pleasure thereof.
So to the dear man who is using force to get his wife to do what he wants I encourage you to go back to your bible and study the life of the greatest lover. His words to the adulteress was "I do not condemn you", to the woman with the issue of blood, "your faith has made you well", to the blind man, "of course I am willing, be made whole" and to his father when praying for the church he says, "that your love may be in them so that they will know that you have loved them as you have loved me"
Love is the way forward. Love is not control. The best way to bring transformation of another is to transform yourself. You are a master of others to the extend of your mastery over self. So look inside. The so called rebellion you see in your spouse comes from your rebellion against the greatest principle and truth in the universe 'Love'. 

Setting Boundaries - Transparency and Accountability

I attended a marriage fellowship yesterday and the topic was on accountability and transparency. How to safeguard you relationship by being transparent and accountable. It was interesting to me because I have had a similar discussion with my husband a couple of months ago about this and a couple of times in the past.

I have noticed that as we grow together in our marriage we have had situations where we have needed to be transparent and accountable to each other in order to guard each other’s hearts and protect our trust.

I must admit I have never enjoyed any of these discussions because they weary me and I do not like my husband to feel in any way that I am trying to control his actions. However when one has decided to choose one’s spouse in this life’s journey, it is one’s responsibility to be on the lookout for any potential situations that may  lead to a breakdown of trust or infidelity no matter how good the intentions were. As the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.

As a Christian, I have seen how the lack of boundaries in the marriage of pastors have resulted in divorce or  infidelity.  The major blind spot is in the area of counselling. As the senior  pastor of a church, it is usually the ‘Man of God’ that the women are drawn to for advice. If certain boundaries are not established, these women get so attached to the pastor that they become a point of conflict in the home. Eventually if the pastor is unguarded in his character it will result in an affair and will cause a whole lot of trouble for his marriage, congregation and Christianity as a whole.

I have also seen how some of these ‘Men of God’ have safeguarded their ministries and marriages from such attacks by putting boundaries and making themselves accountable and transparent in all dealings with women and men in the church. They have made sure their social media accounts are accessible to their spouses, they have established their wives as counsellors to all the women in the church without exception. They have made sure a third party is present in every counselling session and they have reported to their wives any developments she may be unaware of.

Although this may seem excessive, we have been cautioned to flee from all signs of fornication. Regarding the laying of hands I have seen pastors asking their wives to lay hands on any female member asking for prayers and they will lay hands on their wives and will call their wives close to them when they are having a casual conversation with another female.

I completely agree with all these safeguards and transparency because I am every woman. I understand the female psyche and I am aware of how we read body language, compliments and looks. I know that if I am starved of attention I will seek it where I can get it and many lonely females tend to select the pastor as the source of that attention. With countless reasons for counselling they are continually to be found queuing for his attention.

Establishing safeguards in a relationship is not only for the pious. Whether you are the president of the USA, the head of a political party, head teacher, doctor, or CEO of a multinational as long as you are a husband or wife you have subjected yourself to being accountable. Saying “it’s nothing I can’t handle” almost always leads to “I didn’t mean for it to happen”. Even the pope is not exempted. In order to establish and maintain trust, transparency and accountability is essential.

My discussion with my husband is always from the perspective of a woman. I trust him to the point of him knowing what he is capable of. But neither he nor I know what we are capable of and if we love what we have then we need to protect it. Fe/male friends and colleagues are just that. They are not our spouses and must not replace them as the go-to for sharing what is to be shared only with our spouses. Whatever is shared with them must be an overflow of what has been shared with your spouse. In other words, your colleague or friend should never be the first to know about anything concerning you.

The reason for this is because feelings begin to grow and before you know it you are now more attached to your colleague and they know more about what’s going on with you than your spouse.

One may have a good intention towards one's colleague but one does not know the intention of that colleague. So in order to guard the heart of your colleague you have to establish boundaries from the onset and maintain those boundaries always by informing one’s spouse of the progress of the relationship. It is also very good to let your colleague know that your spouse is aware of everything you discuss with them. That way hopes are not misplaced and everyone knows where they stand.

If after all this is done your spouse suddenly decides that s/he does not like the direction your relationship is heading with your colleague then you have crossed the boundary without even been aware of it. You will never know when you have done so normally except it was a deliberate act but your spouse will know. Call it instinct. They will know when the third party is becoming too close for comfort and will be your safeguard from potential disaster.

It takes a couple that are really very transparent with each other to be able to be bold enough to warn their spouse of this breach. It takes a lot of humility to accept this is the case and to take the necessary steps to mend the breach. Usually there is a lot of shouting and frustration because one party feels their actions are being controlled and the other feels they don’t want to be seen as controlling the other person’s actions.

But in a marriage how do you love and let go? It is often said that if you love someone you must set them free. So is letting your spouse fall into an affair setting them free? Is warning them of the importance of setting boundaries an act of manipulation and control and is pointing out that which makes you uncomfortable in their relationships jealousy of transparency?

Every married couple is at some place on the spectrum of accountability and transparency. From the one end of no accountability, mistrust, and fear to ultimate intimacy and transparency. How wonderful it will be to come to the place Adam and Eve where in the Garden of Eden when they were both naked and where not ashamed.

Countless songs have been penned about the fear of revealing one's all to another. Will they judge you and walk away? Will they be disappointed? Will you lose their trust? Will they be able to handle your secret?  Can you trust them not to use your secret as a weapon against you later? It’s all a lot of bother. So the easiest way we deal with all this is to remain tight lipped. To guard our secret to our grave. Never to reveal our area of vulnerability to our spouses. Fear shackles us and we will never enjoy ultimate intimacy.

 As long as there is a secret you are withholding there is a level of intimacy you will never get to. The extent of your secret is the extent of your lack of intimacy. Likewise the extent of your transparency is the extent of your intimacy. Is it worth the bother? I say yes it is. It frees you up from carrying a heavy burden and it reveals whether your spouse meant what s/he says when they confess their undying love for you.

I must admit that not every couple are ready for this great confessions. Testing the waters usually reveal how ready a spouse is for the truth. Do not be phased by their reactions. There will be the look of betrayal, disappointment and even a lot of withdrawal, malice and some shouting. But these are the initial reactions to any sign of disappointment and betrayal. Expect it. Plan for it. Purpose in your heart that you are ready for whatever the outcome will be.

There will always be two levels of outcome. The initial one and the true one. The initial reaction I have explained earlier. The true reaction will come after the realisation has had time to settle. The spouse has had some time to think things over and has made up their minds as to what choices they are willing to make. That is the one to dread. It might result in a divorce because the spouse is not ready to deal with the secret or it might result in the couple becoming even closer and stronger and finally deciding to create boundaries to prevent them from such secrets reoccurring.

We all need someone in our lives to whom we are accountable. When we live a life without accountability we hurt a lot of people and become a liability to society. Many people love their marriages and do not want to be put in situations where it is jeopardised. But we are ever changing and growing in character, likes and dislikes and social media is reshaping our world as far as we let it. Any beautiful and good thing takes a lot of time, effort and resources to build and maintain. It’s up to us what we really want out of life.

Like I said earlier, this topic is a very difficult one. I don’t like to discuss it but it needed to be discussed.

Are we going to be a statistic of do we have something worth fighting for? The decision is all ours. The ball as the say is in our court. How we play it will determine whether we become winners or losers. 

Dealing With Change

The New Normal

The twin towers

What if one day as you are walking down a street minding your own business, a car comes as if from nowhere and hits you. You loose a leg in the accident. How will you deal with the change? What about if you receive a call that a loved one perhaps a child or spouse has died suddenly, or your house has collapsed, or you have cancer or HIV? Every day what we have come to accept as our normal is subject to change. Handling change is very difficult at best. 

Before the collapse of the Twin Towers the USA was oblivious to the effects of terrorism on foreign soil until it was brought home across the waters. Now WMD is a common word and the abyss of terrorism has been flung wide open. The Twin Towers in one day was transformed from a iconic monument to Ground Zero. Whether you are dealing with a personal injury or a global change, adjusting to your new normal is not automatic. This I believe is vital to understand whether you are the change initiator or  implementer. 

In relation to getting married, the idea of becoming half of a unit may be daunting and the decision should not be taken lightly. People constantly change and to be a part of that constant changing environment may be quite challenging. What happens if your spouse suddenly becomes blind, or lost a limb or is battling with a life threatening disease? What happens if you loose a child or you become millionaires? What happens if one party is unfaithful to the other?

How do you deal with a paradigm shift in your business as usual. Getting married is a seismic shift in your daily affairs and it takes a great deal to accept that in your mind. Of course the euphoria of falling in love is the vehicle that tempers the waters until the anti climatic level is reached. By then you are very married. Changing habits, behaviors, making choices for two not for one, self sacrificing, etc etc all comes in at a much bigger scale than if you are single. 

Let us take the story of creation as taught in the bible for instance. Adam and woman where in the garden of Eden enjoying friendship and innocence and never for one minute noticed that they where naked. They lived in the bliss and security of innocence. 

However after the eating of the forbidden fruit and the consequent eye opening, they discovered they where naked. In other words they started to see their flaws. This made them afraid. A new experience fear, had come into play. They had never known fear before. Blame was also introduced coupled with passing the buck. All of a sudden their innocence whose existence they were unaware of was wrenched from them and they became fully aware of all they were. Their normal had shifted. They can no longer return to the state of innocence or ignorance. Fear had walked in and was in control, so they found a place to hide from the voice of God.

Have you ever felt like them when you have received some bad news? You have heard of the expression 'I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up' or 'stop burying your head in the sand'? These are the two natural reactions to sudden change. No one wants to experience the pain and suffering of grief, or loss whether physical, emotional or psychological. It hurts bad. So we wish for the good old days when this situation did not exist. But if time is our experience then those good old days are gone for good. They are not returning anytime soon.

That does not mean that better days are not ahead. It simply means that now your eyes will be wide open when they come. You have lost the innocence of the moment before the incident for good. In the story of the fall, the consequence of the eating of the forbidden fruit led them to be deported from the garden of Eden country and they had to live in wasteland country. Previously they did not have to labour for food and felt secured. Now the wasteland looked like the day after a nuclear explosion. They had to suffer to find food and shelter from the elements and because this was new to them it was hard on them and they called it suffering. 

Adam, could have continued to be bitter about being deceived by woman, instead he abdicated his responsibility for her actions by giving her a name unique to her and completely unrelated to him. You see, the name ;'woman' means 'came out of man' (in this case Adam). This means that Adam was responsible for her as she is part of him. Now Adam named his wife Eve, meaning the source of life. Adam decided to see his wife not as the deceiver but as the life giving source and so she bore him several children. She became whatever he called her. 

Change is great. Without change, there is no growth. The process of evolution requires change. It is inevitable in the human cycle of births and deaths. If it were not so we would all still be fetuses. The growth of the human body from conception to old age and the different changes in the process tells us that without growing, you will not fulfill your potential. Whenever growth and change is restricted we get abortion or miscarriages. Something has resisted the growth and has caused death. 

Divorce is the bitter pill of restriction to change due to the pain of reconciliation after a betrayal or disappointment or a difference of opinion. One party has had enough or one party does not want to change in some area that will enable continued love and harmony within the marriage. Whatever the reason an abortion occurs and the marriage is destroyed. 

Is it possible like Adam to rename the new normal and gain from it? Is it possible to go beyond the pain of a loss, or betrayal and find greater peace, joy and love?

The first steps to any progress is to accept that you cannot go back to the way it was before the change occurred. That can take a very long time depending on the circumstances. A soldier loosing a limb in a war has to go through a time of therapy dealing with trauma and loss of the limb and learning how to embrace the new normal of having one limb and  never walking again with two feet. It takes time. 

Dealing with whatever loss there is, whether it is the loss of trust caused by betrayal or the loss of a loved one or a body part, takes time and patience. It cannot be rushed. 

In each case I think a time-out comes highly recommended. A soldier who has lost a limb spends time in the hospital dealing with the injury and many more months later in therapy to embrace the new normal. In marriage I think the same applies. In matters of the heart it is important to take some time from the environment that reminds you of the hurt and pain or the perpetrator and go somewhere to heal up and organize your thoughts.

Unfortunately many people do not have the means to take the time out due to logistical or financial constraints and so they have to live in the toxic environment that intensifies their pain and anguish. It is not a healthy environment to process anything let alone the situation and the choices at hand. Domestic violence is seen as a physical abuse of a partner but more so is emotional and psychological violence. Millions of women around the world are faced with constant emotional and psychological abuse by their spouses and their circumstances sometimes dictates that they must stay and bear it. No wonder more women end up with breast and ovarian cancer. The place of anguish and the lack of a respite puts tremendous pressure on the cells of the body that they are forced to produce more than is normal for the body. Chaos ensues and cancer appears. 

Respite is needed by everyone facing a traumatic situation. Betrayal, shock, disappointment, rejection, anger, abuse, and a pain like you are suffering from being poisoned are all the feelings one experiences when one realizes that one's partner has been unfaithful. Usually in other situations, each of these feelings are in isolation. But in matters of the heart they all come down on you like a heavy burden.

The human body was not created to deal with all of these feelings all at once. When they occur one at a time, it learns to cope and overcomes them, but when they all come at once it goes into shock and death mode. It needs ample time to recuperate as it would feel like it is experiencing a sickness that is taking all the energy of the body mind and soul all at once. Fatigue ensues and all you might want to do is sleep; hoping that it was a nightmare that you are going to wake up from soon. 

Well, this is the new normal. So how do you go from that to healing, living and loving again? You must go through the grieving process like any other loss and that means weeping, counselling, therapy, prayers whatever works for you for as long as it takes until you get your peace (Mojo) back. The perpetrator if they want you back in their lives have to know that it is not automatic. Their actions have dis stabilized the marriage and trust has been destroyed. They must be willing to accept whatever the outcome of your decision is as they were willing to go ahead and betray you in the first place. Whether it was a mistake or not it happened and steps towards healing and reconciliation must be put in place.

Even though the new normal may be a hard place at first, it can be recreated to become a place of greater respect, trust and humility and a place of deeper understanding and appreciation in a marriage. I greatly admire David and Victoria Beckham who have transformed their new normal into something so beautiful and inspirational. Well done to them! I encourage anyone who has to deal with betrayal as a new normal to emulate them. They must have gone through a period of hell and they allowed each other time to heal, and come to a place of accepting their new normal and pushing  though it to triumph in the end. Kudos to Victoria for growing into a designer extraordinaire and fashion icon and a great wife and mother and to David for growing up and becoming the great Business man, husband, father and philanthropist he has become today. And to both of them for loving each other enough to be willing to do whatever it takes to create a loving environment for their growing family to thrive in. 

We crawl, we stand, we walk, we fall, we get up, we walk, we fall, we stand again, we walk again , we run, we fly.
Below is an article on newsbeat's  on Robin Thicke's comments on  dealing with change. a must read.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/28147659

Ground Zero.

The Power of Agreement

Making Decisions,

In my last post I started discussing making decisions together as a couple. I promised to go further into it so here goes;

In every discussion there can be what we call an argument a situation naturally created as each party expresses their views on the matter. Both parties have to be sufficiently enlightened to realize that they require an amicable win win outcome for any major progress to be made.

 Mind you many of these so called discussions end up with one side feeling like the winner and another side feeling bruised. That is what happens when unenlightened people discuss situations needing a profitable outcome. Marriage is supposed to be a union of 2 souls into one. Therefore if you are from the outside looking in, it should look like one person is having a mind discussion with themselves, coming to a decision that will benefit them. 

Imagine for a moment that you had to make a choice to accept a job in another country. As an individual, you will take time to look at the pros and cons of accepting/rejecting the job. The decision will be made based on how best this new job fits into your goals for your life. Now in marriage the two people are regarded as one individual and so the same process of decision making will ensue. Both parties will offer their side of the story as they see it and then a decision is made. Bear in mind that the decision should be made based on the vision the now one person(man and wife) has for their future. If one party really wants to experience working abroad because it has always been their dream and the other party's worse nightmare has been going abroad for work then a serious discussion will ensue with sparks flying and it will be seen as one person preventing the other from fulfilling their dream. However taking a closer look it can be seen as a point of growth for both parties. Perhaps;

1. The time has come to visit and deal with past dreams and phobias

2.Its time to gain a deeper understanding of each other's needs and desires

3.Its time to really understand the idea of becoming one versus being single minded

If both parties understand this as the case they will handle it differently than if they see the situation as an opportunity to have their own way or as a situation challenging their authority.

Both people in an argument have valid reasons for having their own opinions on the matter. No ones reason is more valid than the other so in the above situation it may look like their can be no solution to the matter. 

Lets take a look at what can be done to arrive at a win win solution. I believe that the steps taken to resolve the deadlock will be very similar in any situation where two people need  to come to an agreement.

If the above decision had to be made by an individual he will have a similar conversation in his mind. There he will have what we will call MA and MB signifying opposite views of the matter. MA loves the idea of working abroad and so will offer really great reasons why he should do it. MB is the cautious side of his brain, the one that is risk averse. It too will give very strong reasons why he should not go work abroad. 

It is up to the individual to go through each arguments thoroughly and understand the joys and fears in-dept in order to make the decision. If he ends up selecting MA's argument and decide to go work abroad, he would have also taken into consideration MB's argument for staying put and have made the necessary adjustments to minimize the risks of his decision to go abroad. when he finally comes to his decision he will be at peace within himself. This is what is termed by me, coming to an agreement. If after making the decision he is still in turmoil as to whether he is sure or not he should not exercise the decision. Its still not yet time. Any decision that lives us in turmoil is the wrong decision. Let me make it clear here that there is a difference between anticipation and turmoil. Anticipation is that feeling we get of the unknown that is a mixture of excitement and apprehension. But turmoil is the feeling we get of dread and fear. So if you feel butterflies in your stomach its time to make the leap. but if you feel sick its back to the drawing board. 

So as we have seen in the case of an individual he has these two points of view constantly in his head usually depicted as the white angel and the red devil in movies and pictures. they depict two sides of the argument and they are not necessarily depicting good vs evil but opposite ideas. Only the decision maker can decide what he terms good and evil in this case as they are subjective views.

In marriage you become one. Two people now become one person when it comes to decision making and choices. Its as tough as it can ever get. This is because you not only have to battle with your thoughts, you have to battle with your words also. There become a physical representation of MA and MB.  You both become MA and or MB. This means that there are times when you will both agree automatically on certain things MX. Other times you will each be on opposing ends  MA or MB. 

That is when the art of making decisions learnt from being an individual comes in. Added to the fact that another person's emotional and psychological state is in your hands. It is a very delicate time and so can be quite frustrating. So if you really desire a win win outcome then go back to the three points above and work through them. They are;

1. Dealing with past dreams and phobias.

No matter how much you think you knew your spouse before you get married they come into the marriage with a truck load of fears and dreams. Every point of difference is a situation specifically orchestrated to allow both of you to deal with one or the other or both and grow more in love and in union with each other. So when you work into the home and inform your spouse that you have been offered a job abroad you must be very careful of your attitude as you are saying so. How you break the news will go a long way as to how it is received. As you know it is an offer. It is subject to acceptance based on the pending discussions with all stakeholders. In this case your spouse and possibly children.

It is important that in such situations, that the attitude of kneeling comes into play. You don't have to kneel and this goes for both sexes. Just the attitude of mind will do. i.e. the  "will you ........? attitude. If you approach this in the defensive egotistical manner of "oh we are moving to "abroad" I accepted an offer to do so today you have got an avalanche of problems heading your way. Even if it is your desire to do so you must learn the art of selling your ideas to your spouse.

Every suggestion must carry a pitch. Yes, each of us in marriages are sales men/women. We are constantly pitching. A good sales man knows how to get a win win solution so if you are rusty in this area then make a choice to learn how to pitch your ideas. Pitching is fun and every sales man knows that you cant win them all. But when in business scenarios an agreement is reached it is because two parties found a mutually beneficial working relationship. No business is done if one party thinks they have lost or been bullied into a decision. Both parties see the potential benefit so they sign on the dotted line.

If in the above scenario you are the one desiring to go abroad, then pitch it to the other party. Listen to their fears and really listen don't just hear it. Try to alleviate them by reassurances and putting in motion certain actions that will help them understand that the situation will be to their benefit as well. Make the necessary promises and fulfill your promises or next time you will not be trusted. The same way you would have done your risk analysis as an individual and put certain things in place to alleviate potential problems is the same way you need to do so with your spouse. Under no circumstance must you enter the discussions with a defensive attitude or a chip on your shoulder. You will send out the wrong vibes. A quiet word turneth away wrath.

Humility is the secret of being strong. A bully is full of pride and arrogance and many a battle are lost that way.  Empathy, kindness and understanding of another s fears help them alleviate it and what seems to be so big can become so small and manageable. So if you truly love them as you love yourself, give them the opportunity to be vulnerable about their fears in the matter. Do not dismiss them by laughing at their worries. Help them overcome it and be patient. Eventually it will all work out in the end and you would have won over a friend and be seen as a savoir if you play your cards right.

Sometimes growing up is full of a lot of traumatic experiences and one can hypnotize themselves as a safety proof against ever experiencing those traumas again. When one marries one brings these into the marriage so the hypnotized effect is the automatic response to any trace of a suggestion to the return to a similar experience. You must understand this if you are to help another party see that they are past that now and can be free from the hurts and the past experience and don't have to be enslaved by fear.  Its a very delicate situation to handle. The mare fact that it has come up now is because its time to deal with it. Its time to move on and the other party is in a sufficiently stable mental and physical condition to go relinquish their fears permanently with your help and sensitivity.

2. Its time to gain a deeper understanding of each others needs and desires.

Asking  the question" why is this so important to you?" and be willing to hear them out brings you to a deeper understanding of your spouse. We all have hopes and dreams and its our automatic reaction to want to jump in when the opportunity presents itself for us to fulfill our dreams. Now that we are married our spouses help us to curb our appetites as well as support us to fulfill our dreams as long as they are within the mutual vision and goals of the marriage. No one wants an unhappy spouse so it is good for us to encourage each other to become the best we can be by playing the dual roles of a stick and a carrot as is necessary to fulfill the job. No one goes into a marriage with all the answers not even a previously married person. Just as no individual is the same neither are there any two marriages the same. Each marriage is unique and the dynamics are dissimilar to any other but the methods of helping each other are age old wisdom that never change. At the end of one's life, the thing that matters most to many is family. So lets get to know each other's fears and dreams and lets make it happen for them and with them. 

3. Understanding the Idea of becoming one versus being single.

 "and the man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh"

Hello!! Does anyone know what the above quote really means? One flesh? How? Its a mystery. How can anyone go from thinking for one to thinking for two? How does anyone relinquish the self centered status quo to be transformed into a selfless individual? How does one move from it all being about my needs, my desires, my life, to our needs, desires, and our life? One life partnership or conscious coupling is practiced by millions around the world in the guise of marriage with some degree of success.

Does that take place automatically because you are married or is it a gradual process? One day you were not married and still had the freedom to make your own very personal choices and the next day you declare some form of I do and you loose the freedom to make personal choices as you become a part of a whole and not the whole in it self anymore. Yet this does not stop people wanting to get married. Perhaps they do not think as deeply as I do about this issue now. Mind you I did not think this far when I was single either.

The important thing here is understanding the other party in the relationship; their likes and dislikes and how it will affect the dynamics of the relationship. If you like sports cars and you get married and can only afford one car, it will become unsuitable if you get a child. So you will have to reconsider whether to still buy the sports car and squeeze a car seat in the back etc or find a way to enjoy a sorts car in the weekends and get a family car for now until you are in the position to own two cars.

Making decisions can lead to resentments and bitterness and a feeling like you have lost the freedom of choice. However you made the choice to get married. Your freedom to choose marriage as opposed to remaining single has come with its own responsibilities. Its time to deal with the new normal.

'Kneeling' the art of submission or manipulation?

While the origin of the kneeling marriage proposal is unknown, this practice has been done since the medieval times. Kneeling was done in the past when knights would kneel down in order to be knighted by royalty as well as when bowing down to a person worthy of veneration. It is believed that a man kneels down when proposing, it is because he is surrendering himself to his love and to being a couple. He is opening up to his partner without any shame or physical defenses.

Reference:

engagementrings.lovetoknow.com

Now While I did not experience the act of the man kneeling during his proposal I have discussed this with him to clear the air. This is what he said;

"Is it better to kneel for one day which is expected of you or to have the mindset of kneeling throughout our marriage life together?" Well I chose the latter. He did not kneel and I did not notice until yesterday when I was meditating on attitudes and traditional beliefs before and after the wedding. We had a long discussion as we usually do about matters relating to our work with married couples and ideas we will like to introduce to aid couples in developing a marriage of peace and harmony. I am very much interested in knowing what goes through the mind of a man just contemplating a proposal and just before he goes through with it, kneeling and all. 

Since my husband is my source of knowledge on men in general, I asked him why men kneel down. His answer was the opposite as to the above in the introduction of this article. he said; " A man knows that he is about to ask a woman to give up her loving and secured family environment, her heart, her life, her body, to become one with him and to follow him so to speak into a new life together which has no guarantee of lasting happiness or security. He is aware that he is asking a lot from her and he understands that this is the most important decision she will ever have to make. So he kneels down as an act of submitting all of his own in the bargain. Basically he throws his all at it seeing he is asking her to do the same.'

Mmmmmmm Really? Okay I get his point so why is it that this is the only time the man ever kneels down to his woman? After that it seems like the ego has had enough of humility for a lifetime and he transforms into  'he who must be obeyed'? As mentioned before I have experienced the opposite in the matter on all grounds. But for discussion sake what will happen if a man suddenly comes home one day and kneels down before his wife? Because it is so rare I think that she will panic and think he has just committed the unthinkable. But it does not have to be that way. 

I think that both men and women should learn to kneel occasionally before each other as a sign of endearment and submission but never as an obligation. You know how you willingly offer a standing ovation to an inspiring speaker, kneeling to one's spouse should carry a similar sentiment. Its like saying "Honey I salute you, You are the best, I acknowledge your greatness" Okay I can almost hear you all saying what utter nonsense, but if you reach deeper into your state of revolt against my suggestion there lurks fear of being misconstrued, taken for granted , being made a doormat, manipulation , being seen as weak. etc. etc. But Really? Come on, who really benefits from your kneeling down to your partner?,( You) just the same way a man does when his lover says I do to the marriage proposal. Besides not everyone says I do at the moment of proposal, and that is the fear of every one proposing. What if they say NO!? Well no one I know has died from being rejected yet. "What does not kill you makes you stronger" we are told. It is embarrassing to say the least and if you had done a public proposal and got a no, everyone feels sorry for you and the woman feels embarrassed and under tremendous pressure to accept your offer.

I think that public proposals are a form of manipulation especially when they come as an utter surprise to the lady. If you have discussed marriage and have mutually agreed to it on more than one occasion and have planned your future together then hey Ho, please organize the most spectacular proposal that your budget can afford. But if you have been arguing and you sense that your romance is about coming to an end, please refrain from proposing at all for you may not like the answer at the end of the day. So many proposals happen because one party cannot stand loosing the other. They propose marriage not because of love but because of obsession, insecurity , control and fear of failure or being dumped. However they offer the other a life that they will flee from if they saw it coming.

I believe that everyone is spirit and each of us can sense what is about to happen. If you think that your romance is nearing its natural demise, let it go. don't hang on to it with your dear life. release the other party so they can feel free to love again and you can also start a new chapter in your life.  Holding on to what was and making both lives miserable is not the way forward. It leads to a lot of uncalled for domestic violence and serious emotional issues that might take a lifetime to heal. So if you are at the brink of a split with your partner, don't propose, release them with the usual, its me not you mumbo jumbo.

We have all been given the freedom of choice and the same way you want to enjoy the power to exercise that freedom, is in like manner the same way another person would. To propose is a personal choice and no matter how expensive and full of effort your make yours, it should never become a place or situation where the other party feels pressured to accept your offer or say yes to you. Before you make the choice to propose, know that it comes with the choice to accept whatever the outcome will be; a no and a possible breakup because it was too early on the the relationship or the other party had not yet grown up to see you as spouse material, or you are not spouse material in their eyes etc, etc.

It may be that you have met the most amazing person but unfortunately for you, you met them at the time of their life when marriage was absolutely not on the cards for them due to one or more reasons, Patience might change their minds as has been proved in a lot of cases but is not guaranteed. If you are desperate to marry, walk on by. By the way desperation is never a great reason to marry as it leads to grave mistakes in choosing a life partner.

Marriage is the most challenging and fulfilling institution anyone would ever attempt and the choice of who to do that with is entirely up to them. Each individual has an equal choice to make as to who they select to go through the greatest roller coaster ride of their life with or not.

Back to the kneeling situation; a habit of self surrender mentally to me is the same as kneeling, if this is what it is meant to depict at the proposal. It means that you are saying, "darling, honey, baby, sugar pie honey pie, I love you, lets make a home together and  I promise you I will be the best thing since slice bread always and will never make you regret this day........." or something along that line. In other words, this is what I feel about this situation, what do you think, can we discuss this and I promise that  together we can find the best possible solution for 'US' in this matter. Notice the 'US' in capital letter, From experience I think that most couples discuss grave situations that have life changing consequences with the win or loose mindset. More like I want to win this argument. First each situation up for discussion is a point of growth not a word tournament. Its more about reaching an agreement than winning the argument. These two words, Agreement and Argument may both start with A and end with ment but they are completely opposite the spectrum of human interaction. However they are so related to each other that if not managed properly can be misunderstood. We will discuss the art of decision making in a marriage in my next post.

I feel Loved when you.....................;

I feel Loved when you.....................;

Hold My hands

carry the shopping

push the buggy

put the kids to bed when you observe how tired I am

give me massages

kiss me 

give me bear hugs

squeeze my shoulder to say its going be okay

listen to me go on about my issues in silence

not dismissive of my concerns

don't make me feel stupid

encourage me to achieve my highest potential

go out with me

give me my space

challenge me

take out the trash

keep the house clean

make love to me

are present when we make love

bath b4 we make love

shave b4 we make love

defend me in public even though I was in the wrong

support me when everyone else don't

stand by me 

stand with me

stand for me

don't raise your voice at me

give me wings to fly

respect me

have eyes only for me in public

don't flirt in my presence

affirm me
don't threaten to walk out every time you don't have your way
call me often when you are away from home

wake up to feed and change the baby 

wash the dishes

turn the TV off when I am tired and need to sleep
send me love messages

don't keep looking at your phone when we are chatting

hold me tight as I fall asleep

bring me gifts
are kind and gentle
trustworthy
dependable
truthful
Save for our future
Don't spend all our savings on an expensive personal desire
Give your best to our children
tell others how much you love me

celebrate my achievements

choose us instead of them

pray for me

pray with me

prepare meals for me with love and care

understand my pet hates and avoid them

respect my choice of profession

don't compare me to others

make us your priority

invest in us

give me time and attention

don't pimp me for money or position

don't; swear, drink, smoke, do drugs, or gamble 

take good care of yourself

don't justify your actions when you know you are in the wrong

don't control, manipulate and dominate me

Don't abuse me mentally, physically, sexually or emotionally

don't make me feel inferior because I do not give you a baby boy/girl

don't pressure me to have children when I cannot at present

not jealous or envious 

Tell me you love me after you have shown me