Dealing With Change

The New Normal

The twin towers

What if one day as you are walking down a street minding your own business, a car comes as if from nowhere and hits you. You loose a leg in the accident. How will you deal with the change? What about if you receive a call that a loved one perhaps a child or spouse has died suddenly, or your house has collapsed, or you have cancer or HIV? Every day what we have come to accept as our normal is subject to change. Handling change is very difficult at best. 

Before the collapse of the Twin Towers the USA was oblivious to the effects of terrorism on foreign soil until it was brought home across the waters. Now WMD is a common word and the abyss of terrorism has been flung wide open. The Twin Towers in one day was transformed from a iconic monument to Ground Zero. Whether you are dealing with a personal injury or a global change, adjusting to your new normal is not automatic. This I believe is vital to understand whether you are the change initiator or  implementer. 

In relation to getting married, the idea of becoming half of a unit may be daunting and the decision should not be taken lightly. People constantly change and to be a part of that constant changing environment may be quite challenging. What happens if your spouse suddenly becomes blind, or lost a limb or is battling with a life threatening disease? What happens if you loose a child or you become millionaires? What happens if one party is unfaithful to the other?

How do you deal with a paradigm shift in your business as usual. Getting married is a seismic shift in your daily affairs and it takes a great deal to accept that in your mind. Of course the euphoria of falling in love is the vehicle that tempers the waters until the anti climatic level is reached. By then you are very married. Changing habits, behaviors, making choices for two not for one, self sacrificing, etc etc all comes in at a much bigger scale than if you are single. 

Let us take the story of creation as taught in the bible for instance. Adam and woman where in the garden of Eden enjoying friendship and innocence and never for one minute noticed that they where naked. They lived in the bliss and security of innocence. 

However after the eating of the forbidden fruit and the consequent eye opening, they discovered they where naked. In other words they started to see their flaws. This made them afraid. A new experience fear, had come into play. They had never known fear before. Blame was also introduced coupled with passing the buck. All of a sudden their innocence whose existence they were unaware of was wrenched from them and they became fully aware of all they were. Their normal had shifted. They can no longer return to the state of innocence or ignorance. Fear had walked in and was in control, so they found a place to hide from the voice of God.

Have you ever felt like them when you have received some bad news? You have heard of the expression 'I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up' or 'stop burying your head in the sand'? These are the two natural reactions to sudden change. No one wants to experience the pain and suffering of grief, or loss whether physical, emotional or psychological. It hurts bad. So we wish for the good old days when this situation did not exist. But if time is our experience then those good old days are gone for good. They are not returning anytime soon.

That does not mean that better days are not ahead. It simply means that now your eyes will be wide open when they come. You have lost the innocence of the moment before the incident for good. In the story of the fall, the consequence of the eating of the forbidden fruit led them to be deported from the garden of Eden country and they had to live in wasteland country. Previously they did not have to labour for food and felt secured. Now the wasteland looked like the day after a nuclear explosion. They had to suffer to find food and shelter from the elements and because this was new to them it was hard on them and they called it suffering. 

Adam, could have continued to be bitter about being deceived by woman, instead he abdicated his responsibility for her actions by giving her a name unique to her and completely unrelated to him. You see, the name ;'woman' means 'came out of man' (in this case Adam). This means that Adam was responsible for her as she is part of him. Now Adam named his wife Eve, meaning the source of life. Adam decided to see his wife not as the deceiver but as the life giving source and so she bore him several children. She became whatever he called her. 

Change is great. Without change, there is no growth. The process of evolution requires change. It is inevitable in the human cycle of births and deaths. If it were not so we would all still be fetuses. The growth of the human body from conception to old age and the different changes in the process tells us that without growing, you will not fulfill your potential. Whenever growth and change is restricted we get abortion or miscarriages. Something has resisted the growth and has caused death. 

Divorce is the bitter pill of restriction to change due to the pain of reconciliation after a betrayal or disappointment or a difference of opinion. One party has had enough or one party does not want to change in some area that will enable continued love and harmony within the marriage. Whatever the reason an abortion occurs and the marriage is destroyed. 

Is it possible like Adam to rename the new normal and gain from it? Is it possible to go beyond the pain of a loss, or betrayal and find greater peace, joy and love?

The first steps to any progress is to accept that you cannot go back to the way it was before the change occurred. That can take a very long time depending on the circumstances. A soldier loosing a limb in a war has to go through a time of therapy dealing with trauma and loss of the limb and learning how to embrace the new normal of having one limb and  never walking again with two feet. It takes time. 

Dealing with whatever loss there is, whether it is the loss of trust caused by betrayal or the loss of a loved one or a body part, takes time and patience. It cannot be rushed. 

In each case I think a time-out comes highly recommended. A soldier who has lost a limb spends time in the hospital dealing with the injury and many more months later in therapy to embrace the new normal. In marriage I think the same applies. In matters of the heart it is important to take some time from the environment that reminds you of the hurt and pain or the perpetrator and go somewhere to heal up and organize your thoughts.

Unfortunately many people do not have the means to take the time out due to logistical or financial constraints and so they have to live in the toxic environment that intensifies their pain and anguish. It is not a healthy environment to process anything let alone the situation and the choices at hand. Domestic violence is seen as a physical abuse of a partner but more so is emotional and psychological violence. Millions of women around the world are faced with constant emotional and psychological abuse by their spouses and their circumstances sometimes dictates that they must stay and bear it. No wonder more women end up with breast and ovarian cancer. The place of anguish and the lack of a respite puts tremendous pressure on the cells of the body that they are forced to produce more than is normal for the body. Chaos ensues and cancer appears. 

Respite is needed by everyone facing a traumatic situation. Betrayal, shock, disappointment, rejection, anger, abuse, and a pain like you are suffering from being poisoned are all the feelings one experiences when one realizes that one's partner has been unfaithful. Usually in other situations, each of these feelings are in isolation. But in matters of the heart they all come down on you like a heavy burden.

The human body was not created to deal with all of these feelings all at once. When they occur one at a time, it learns to cope and overcomes them, but when they all come at once it goes into shock and death mode. It needs ample time to recuperate as it would feel like it is experiencing a sickness that is taking all the energy of the body mind and soul all at once. Fatigue ensues and all you might want to do is sleep; hoping that it was a nightmare that you are going to wake up from soon. 

Well, this is the new normal. So how do you go from that to healing, living and loving again? You must go through the grieving process like any other loss and that means weeping, counselling, therapy, prayers whatever works for you for as long as it takes until you get your peace (Mojo) back. The perpetrator if they want you back in their lives have to know that it is not automatic. Their actions have dis stabilized the marriage and trust has been destroyed. They must be willing to accept whatever the outcome of your decision is as they were willing to go ahead and betray you in the first place. Whether it was a mistake or not it happened and steps towards healing and reconciliation must be put in place.

Even though the new normal may be a hard place at first, it can be recreated to become a place of greater respect, trust and humility and a place of deeper understanding and appreciation in a marriage. I greatly admire David and Victoria Beckham who have transformed their new normal into something so beautiful and inspirational. Well done to them! I encourage anyone who has to deal with betrayal as a new normal to emulate them. They must have gone through a period of hell and they allowed each other time to heal, and come to a place of accepting their new normal and pushing  though it to triumph in the end. Kudos to Victoria for growing into a designer extraordinaire and fashion icon and a great wife and mother and to David for growing up and becoming the great Business man, husband, father and philanthropist he has become today. And to both of them for loving each other enough to be willing to do whatever it takes to create a loving environment for their growing family to thrive in. 

We crawl, we stand, we walk, we fall, we get up, we walk, we fall, we stand again, we walk again , we run, we fly.
Below is an article on newsbeat's  on Robin Thicke's comments on  dealing with change. a must read.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/28147659

Ground Zero.

The Power of Agreement

Making Decisions,

In my last post I started discussing making decisions together as a couple. I promised to go further into it so here goes;

In every discussion there can be what we call an argument a situation naturally created as each party expresses their views on the matter. Both parties have to be sufficiently enlightened to realize that they require an amicable win win outcome for any major progress to be made.

 Mind you many of these so called discussions end up with one side feeling like the winner and another side feeling bruised. That is what happens when unenlightened people discuss situations needing a profitable outcome. Marriage is supposed to be a union of 2 souls into one. Therefore if you are from the outside looking in, it should look like one person is having a mind discussion with themselves, coming to a decision that will benefit them. 

Imagine for a moment that you had to make a choice to accept a job in another country. As an individual, you will take time to look at the pros and cons of accepting/rejecting the job. The decision will be made based on how best this new job fits into your goals for your life. Now in marriage the two people are regarded as one individual and so the same process of decision making will ensue. Both parties will offer their side of the story as they see it and then a decision is made. Bear in mind that the decision should be made based on the vision the now one person(man and wife) has for their future. If one party really wants to experience working abroad because it has always been their dream and the other party's worse nightmare has been going abroad for work then a serious discussion will ensue with sparks flying and it will be seen as one person preventing the other from fulfilling their dream. However taking a closer look it can be seen as a point of growth for both parties. Perhaps;

1. The time has come to visit and deal with past dreams and phobias

2.Its time to gain a deeper understanding of each other's needs and desires

3.Its time to really understand the idea of becoming one versus being single minded

If both parties understand this as the case they will handle it differently than if they see the situation as an opportunity to have their own way or as a situation challenging their authority.

Both people in an argument have valid reasons for having their own opinions on the matter. No ones reason is more valid than the other so in the above situation it may look like their can be no solution to the matter. 

Lets take a look at what can be done to arrive at a win win solution. I believe that the steps taken to resolve the deadlock will be very similar in any situation where two people need  to come to an agreement.

If the above decision had to be made by an individual he will have a similar conversation in his mind. There he will have what we will call MA and MB signifying opposite views of the matter. MA loves the idea of working abroad and so will offer really great reasons why he should do it. MB is the cautious side of his brain, the one that is risk averse. It too will give very strong reasons why he should not go work abroad. 

It is up to the individual to go through each arguments thoroughly and understand the joys and fears in-dept in order to make the decision. If he ends up selecting MA's argument and decide to go work abroad, he would have also taken into consideration MB's argument for staying put and have made the necessary adjustments to minimize the risks of his decision to go abroad. when he finally comes to his decision he will be at peace within himself. This is what is termed by me, coming to an agreement. If after making the decision he is still in turmoil as to whether he is sure or not he should not exercise the decision. Its still not yet time. Any decision that lives us in turmoil is the wrong decision. Let me make it clear here that there is a difference between anticipation and turmoil. Anticipation is that feeling we get of the unknown that is a mixture of excitement and apprehension. But turmoil is the feeling we get of dread and fear. So if you feel butterflies in your stomach its time to make the leap. but if you feel sick its back to the drawing board. 

So as we have seen in the case of an individual he has these two points of view constantly in his head usually depicted as the white angel and the red devil in movies and pictures. they depict two sides of the argument and they are not necessarily depicting good vs evil but opposite ideas. Only the decision maker can decide what he terms good and evil in this case as they are subjective views.

In marriage you become one. Two people now become one person when it comes to decision making and choices. Its as tough as it can ever get. This is because you not only have to battle with your thoughts, you have to battle with your words also. There become a physical representation of MA and MB.  You both become MA and or MB. This means that there are times when you will both agree automatically on certain things MX. Other times you will each be on opposing ends  MA or MB. 

That is when the art of making decisions learnt from being an individual comes in. Added to the fact that another person's emotional and psychological state is in your hands. It is a very delicate time and so can be quite frustrating. So if you really desire a win win outcome then go back to the three points above and work through them. They are;

1. Dealing with past dreams and phobias.

No matter how much you think you knew your spouse before you get married they come into the marriage with a truck load of fears and dreams. Every point of difference is a situation specifically orchestrated to allow both of you to deal with one or the other or both and grow more in love and in union with each other. So when you work into the home and inform your spouse that you have been offered a job abroad you must be very careful of your attitude as you are saying so. How you break the news will go a long way as to how it is received. As you know it is an offer. It is subject to acceptance based on the pending discussions with all stakeholders. In this case your spouse and possibly children.

It is important that in such situations, that the attitude of kneeling comes into play. You don't have to kneel and this goes for both sexes. Just the attitude of mind will do. i.e. the  "will you ........? attitude. If you approach this in the defensive egotistical manner of "oh we are moving to "abroad" I accepted an offer to do so today you have got an avalanche of problems heading your way. Even if it is your desire to do so you must learn the art of selling your ideas to your spouse.

Every suggestion must carry a pitch. Yes, each of us in marriages are sales men/women. We are constantly pitching. A good sales man knows how to get a win win solution so if you are rusty in this area then make a choice to learn how to pitch your ideas. Pitching is fun and every sales man knows that you cant win them all. But when in business scenarios an agreement is reached it is because two parties found a mutually beneficial working relationship. No business is done if one party thinks they have lost or been bullied into a decision. Both parties see the potential benefit so they sign on the dotted line.

If in the above scenario you are the one desiring to go abroad, then pitch it to the other party. Listen to their fears and really listen don't just hear it. Try to alleviate them by reassurances and putting in motion certain actions that will help them understand that the situation will be to their benefit as well. Make the necessary promises and fulfill your promises or next time you will not be trusted. The same way you would have done your risk analysis as an individual and put certain things in place to alleviate potential problems is the same way you need to do so with your spouse. Under no circumstance must you enter the discussions with a defensive attitude or a chip on your shoulder. You will send out the wrong vibes. A quiet word turneth away wrath.

Humility is the secret of being strong. A bully is full of pride and arrogance and many a battle are lost that way.  Empathy, kindness and understanding of another s fears help them alleviate it and what seems to be so big can become so small and manageable. So if you truly love them as you love yourself, give them the opportunity to be vulnerable about their fears in the matter. Do not dismiss them by laughing at their worries. Help them overcome it and be patient. Eventually it will all work out in the end and you would have won over a friend and be seen as a savoir if you play your cards right.

Sometimes growing up is full of a lot of traumatic experiences and one can hypnotize themselves as a safety proof against ever experiencing those traumas again. When one marries one brings these into the marriage so the hypnotized effect is the automatic response to any trace of a suggestion to the return to a similar experience. You must understand this if you are to help another party see that they are past that now and can be free from the hurts and the past experience and don't have to be enslaved by fear.  Its a very delicate situation to handle. The mare fact that it has come up now is because its time to deal with it. Its time to move on and the other party is in a sufficiently stable mental and physical condition to go relinquish their fears permanently with your help and sensitivity.

2. Its time to gain a deeper understanding of each others needs and desires.

Asking  the question" why is this so important to you?" and be willing to hear them out brings you to a deeper understanding of your spouse. We all have hopes and dreams and its our automatic reaction to want to jump in when the opportunity presents itself for us to fulfill our dreams. Now that we are married our spouses help us to curb our appetites as well as support us to fulfill our dreams as long as they are within the mutual vision and goals of the marriage. No one wants an unhappy spouse so it is good for us to encourage each other to become the best we can be by playing the dual roles of a stick and a carrot as is necessary to fulfill the job. No one goes into a marriage with all the answers not even a previously married person. Just as no individual is the same neither are there any two marriages the same. Each marriage is unique and the dynamics are dissimilar to any other but the methods of helping each other are age old wisdom that never change. At the end of one's life, the thing that matters most to many is family. So lets get to know each other's fears and dreams and lets make it happen for them and with them. 

3. Understanding the Idea of becoming one versus being single.

 "and the man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh"

Hello!! Does anyone know what the above quote really means? One flesh? How? Its a mystery. How can anyone go from thinking for one to thinking for two? How does anyone relinquish the self centered status quo to be transformed into a selfless individual? How does one move from it all being about my needs, my desires, my life, to our needs, desires, and our life? One life partnership or conscious coupling is practiced by millions around the world in the guise of marriage with some degree of success.

Does that take place automatically because you are married or is it a gradual process? One day you were not married and still had the freedom to make your own very personal choices and the next day you declare some form of I do and you loose the freedom to make personal choices as you become a part of a whole and not the whole in it self anymore. Yet this does not stop people wanting to get married. Perhaps they do not think as deeply as I do about this issue now. Mind you I did not think this far when I was single either.

The important thing here is understanding the other party in the relationship; their likes and dislikes and how it will affect the dynamics of the relationship. If you like sports cars and you get married and can only afford one car, it will become unsuitable if you get a child. So you will have to reconsider whether to still buy the sports car and squeeze a car seat in the back etc or find a way to enjoy a sorts car in the weekends and get a family car for now until you are in the position to own two cars.

Making decisions can lead to resentments and bitterness and a feeling like you have lost the freedom of choice. However you made the choice to get married. Your freedom to choose marriage as opposed to remaining single has come with its own responsibilities. Its time to deal with the new normal.

'Kneeling' the art of submission or manipulation?

While the origin of the kneeling marriage proposal is unknown, this practice has been done since the medieval times. Kneeling was done in the past when knights would kneel down in order to be knighted by royalty as well as when bowing down to a person worthy of veneration. It is believed that a man kneels down when proposing, it is because he is surrendering himself to his love and to being a couple. He is opening up to his partner without any shame or physical defenses.

Reference:

engagementrings.lovetoknow.com

Now While I did not experience the act of the man kneeling during his proposal I have discussed this with him to clear the air. This is what he said;

"Is it better to kneel for one day which is expected of you or to have the mindset of kneeling throughout our marriage life together?" Well I chose the latter. He did not kneel and I did not notice until yesterday when I was meditating on attitudes and traditional beliefs before and after the wedding. We had a long discussion as we usually do about matters relating to our work with married couples and ideas we will like to introduce to aid couples in developing a marriage of peace and harmony. I am very much interested in knowing what goes through the mind of a man just contemplating a proposal and just before he goes through with it, kneeling and all. 

Since my husband is my source of knowledge on men in general, I asked him why men kneel down. His answer was the opposite as to the above in the introduction of this article. he said; " A man knows that he is about to ask a woman to give up her loving and secured family environment, her heart, her life, her body, to become one with him and to follow him so to speak into a new life together which has no guarantee of lasting happiness or security. He is aware that he is asking a lot from her and he understands that this is the most important decision she will ever have to make. So he kneels down as an act of submitting all of his own in the bargain. Basically he throws his all at it seeing he is asking her to do the same.'

Mmmmmmm Really? Okay I get his point so why is it that this is the only time the man ever kneels down to his woman? After that it seems like the ego has had enough of humility for a lifetime and he transforms into  'he who must be obeyed'? As mentioned before I have experienced the opposite in the matter on all grounds. But for discussion sake what will happen if a man suddenly comes home one day and kneels down before his wife? Because it is so rare I think that she will panic and think he has just committed the unthinkable. But it does not have to be that way. 

I think that both men and women should learn to kneel occasionally before each other as a sign of endearment and submission but never as an obligation. You know how you willingly offer a standing ovation to an inspiring speaker, kneeling to one's spouse should carry a similar sentiment. Its like saying "Honey I salute you, You are the best, I acknowledge your greatness" Okay I can almost hear you all saying what utter nonsense, but if you reach deeper into your state of revolt against my suggestion there lurks fear of being misconstrued, taken for granted , being made a doormat, manipulation , being seen as weak. etc. etc. But Really? Come on, who really benefits from your kneeling down to your partner?,( You) just the same way a man does when his lover says I do to the marriage proposal. Besides not everyone says I do at the moment of proposal, and that is the fear of every one proposing. What if they say NO!? Well no one I know has died from being rejected yet. "What does not kill you makes you stronger" we are told. It is embarrassing to say the least and if you had done a public proposal and got a no, everyone feels sorry for you and the woman feels embarrassed and under tremendous pressure to accept your offer.

I think that public proposals are a form of manipulation especially when they come as an utter surprise to the lady. If you have discussed marriage and have mutually agreed to it on more than one occasion and have planned your future together then hey Ho, please organize the most spectacular proposal that your budget can afford. But if you have been arguing and you sense that your romance is about coming to an end, please refrain from proposing at all for you may not like the answer at the end of the day. So many proposals happen because one party cannot stand loosing the other. They propose marriage not because of love but because of obsession, insecurity , control and fear of failure or being dumped. However they offer the other a life that they will flee from if they saw it coming.

I believe that everyone is spirit and each of us can sense what is about to happen. If you think that your romance is nearing its natural demise, let it go. don't hang on to it with your dear life. release the other party so they can feel free to love again and you can also start a new chapter in your life.  Holding on to what was and making both lives miserable is not the way forward. It leads to a lot of uncalled for domestic violence and serious emotional issues that might take a lifetime to heal. So if you are at the brink of a split with your partner, don't propose, release them with the usual, its me not you mumbo jumbo.

We have all been given the freedom of choice and the same way you want to enjoy the power to exercise that freedom, is in like manner the same way another person would. To propose is a personal choice and no matter how expensive and full of effort your make yours, it should never become a place or situation where the other party feels pressured to accept your offer or say yes to you. Before you make the choice to propose, know that it comes with the choice to accept whatever the outcome will be; a no and a possible breakup because it was too early on the the relationship or the other party had not yet grown up to see you as spouse material, or you are not spouse material in their eyes etc, etc.

It may be that you have met the most amazing person but unfortunately for you, you met them at the time of their life when marriage was absolutely not on the cards for them due to one or more reasons, Patience might change their minds as has been proved in a lot of cases but is not guaranteed. If you are desperate to marry, walk on by. By the way desperation is never a great reason to marry as it leads to grave mistakes in choosing a life partner.

Marriage is the most challenging and fulfilling institution anyone would ever attempt and the choice of who to do that with is entirely up to them. Each individual has an equal choice to make as to who they select to go through the greatest roller coaster ride of their life with or not.

Back to the kneeling situation; a habit of self surrender mentally to me is the same as kneeling, if this is what it is meant to depict at the proposal. It means that you are saying, "darling, honey, baby, sugar pie honey pie, I love you, lets make a home together and  I promise you I will be the best thing since slice bread always and will never make you regret this day........." or something along that line. In other words, this is what I feel about this situation, what do you think, can we discuss this and I promise that  together we can find the best possible solution for 'US' in this matter. Notice the 'US' in capital letter, From experience I think that most couples discuss grave situations that have life changing consequences with the win or loose mindset. More like I want to win this argument. First each situation up for discussion is a point of growth not a word tournament. Its more about reaching an agreement than winning the argument. These two words, Agreement and Argument may both start with A and end with ment but they are completely opposite the spectrum of human interaction. However they are so related to each other that if not managed properly can be misunderstood. We will discuss the art of decision making in a marriage in my next post.