Setting Boundaries - Transparency and Accountability

I attended a marriage fellowship yesterday and the topic was on accountability and transparency. How to safeguard you relationship by being transparent and accountable. It was interesting to me because I have had a similar discussion with my husband a couple of months ago about this and a couple of times in the past.

I have noticed that as we grow together in our marriage we have had situations where we have needed to be transparent and accountable to each other in order to guard each other’s hearts and protect our trust.

I must admit I have never enjoyed any of these discussions because they weary me and I do not like my husband to feel in any way that I am trying to control his actions. However when one has decided to choose one’s spouse in this life’s journey, it is one’s responsibility to be on the lookout for any potential situations that may  lead to a breakdown of trust or infidelity no matter how good the intentions were. As the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.

As a Christian, I have seen how the lack of boundaries in the marriage of pastors have resulted in divorce or  infidelity.  The major blind spot is in the area of counselling. As the senior  pastor of a church, it is usually the ‘Man of God’ that the women are drawn to for advice. If certain boundaries are not established, these women get so attached to the pastor that they become a point of conflict in the home. Eventually if the pastor is unguarded in his character it will result in an affair and will cause a whole lot of trouble for his marriage, congregation and Christianity as a whole.

I have also seen how some of these ‘Men of God’ have safeguarded their ministries and marriages from such attacks by putting boundaries and making themselves accountable and transparent in all dealings with women and men in the church. They have made sure their social media accounts are accessible to their spouses, they have established their wives as counsellors to all the women in the church without exception. They have made sure a third party is present in every counselling session and they have reported to their wives any developments she may be unaware of.

Although this may seem excessive, we have been cautioned to flee from all signs of fornication. Regarding the laying of hands I have seen pastors asking their wives to lay hands on any female member asking for prayers and they will lay hands on their wives and will call their wives close to them when they are having a casual conversation with another female.

I completely agree with all these safeguards and transparency because I am every woman. I understand the female psyche and I am aware of how we read body language, compliments and looks. I know that if I am starved of attention I will seek it where I can get it and many lonely females tend to select the pastor as the source of that attention. With countless reasons for counselling they are continually to be found queuing for his attention.

Establishing safeguards in a relationship is not only for the pious. Whether you are the president of the USA, the head of a political party, head teacher, doctor, or CEO of a multinational as long as you are a husband or wife you have subjected yourself to being accountable. Saying “it’s nothing I can’t handle” almost always leads to “I didn’t mean for it to happen”. Even the pope is not exempted. In order to establish and maintain trust, transparency and accountability is essential.

My discussion with my husband is always from the perspective of a woman. I trust him to the point of him knowing what he is capable of. But neither he nor I know what we are capable of and if we love what we have then we need to protect it. Fe/male friends and colleagues are just that. They are not our spouses and must not replace them as the go-to for sharing what is to be shared only with our spouses. Whatever is shared with them must be an overflow of what has been shared with your spouse. In other words, your colleague or friend should never be the first to know about anything concerning you.

The reason for this is because feelings begin to grow and before you know it you are now more attached to your colleague and they know more about what’s going on with you than your spouse.

One may have a good intention towards one's colleague but one does not know the intention of that colleague. So in order to guard the heart of your colleague you have to establish boundaries from the onset and maintain those boundaries always by informing one’s spouse of the progress of the relationship. It is also very good to let your colleague know that your spouse is aware of everything you discuss with them. That way hopes are not misplaced and everyone knows where they stand.

If after all this is done your spouse suddenly decides that s/he does not like the direction your relationship is heading with your colleague then you have crossed the boundary without even been aware of it. You will never know when you have done so normally except it was a deliberate act but your spouse will know. Call it instinct. They will know when the third party is becoming too close for comfort and will be your safeguard from potential disaster.

It takes a couple that are really very transparent with each other to be able to be bold enough to warn their spouse of this breach. It takes a lot of humility to accept this is the case and to take the necessary steps to mend the breach. Usually there is a lot of shouting and frustration because one party feels their actions are being controlled and the other feels they don’t want to be seen as controlling the other person’s actions.

But in a marriage how do you love and let go? It is often said that if you love someone you must set them free. So is letting your spouse fall into an affair setting them free? Is warning them of the importance of setting boundaries an act of manipulation and control and is pointing out that which makes you uncomfortable in their relationships jealousy of transparency?

Every married couple is at some place on the spectrum of accountability and transparency. From the one end of no accountability, mistrust, and fear to ultimate intimacy and transparency. How wonderful it will be to come to the place Adam and Eve where in the Garden of Eden when they were both naked and where not ashamed.

Countless songs have been penned about the fear of revealing one's all to another. Will they judge you and walk away? Will they be disappointed? Will you lose their trust? Will they be able to handle your secret?  Can you trust them not to use your secret as a weapon against you later? It’s all a lot of bother. So the easiest way we deal with all this is to remain tight lipped. To guard our secret to our grave. Never to reveal our area of vulnerability to our spouses. Fear shackles us and we will never enjoy ultimate intimacy.

 As long as there is a secret you are withholding there is a level of intimacy you will never get to. The extent of your secret is the extent of your lack of intimacy. Likewise the extent of your transparency is the extent of your intimacy. Is it worth the bother? I say yes it is. It frees you up from carrying a heavy burden and it reveals whether your spouse meant what s/he says when they confess their undying love for you.

I must admit that not every couple are ready for this great confessions. Testing the waters usually reveal how ready a spouse is for the truth. Do not be phased by their reactions. There will be the look of betrayal, disappointment and even a lot of withdrawal, malice and some shouting. But these are the initial reactions to any sign of disappointment and betrayal. Expect it. Plan for it. Purpose in your heart that you are ready for whatever the outcome will be.

There will always be two levels of outcome. The initial one and the true one. The initial reaction I have explained earlier. The true reaction will come after the realisation has had time to settle. The spouse has had some time to think things over and has made up their minds as to what choices they are willing to make. That is the one to dread. It might result in a divorce because the spouse is not ready to deal with the secret or it might result in the couple becoming even closer and stronger and finally deciding to create boundaries to prevent them from such secrets reoccurring.

We all need someone in our lives to whom we are accountable. When we live a life without accountability we hurt a lot of people and become a liability to society. Many people love their marriages and do not want to be put in situations where it is jeopardised. But we are ever changing and growing in character, likes and dislikes and social media is reshaping our world as far as we let it. Any beautiful and good thing takes a lot of time, effort and resources to build and maintain. It’s up to us what we really want out of life.

Like I said earlier, this topic is a very difficult one. I don’t like to discuss it but it needed to be discussed.

Are we going to be a statistic of do we have something worth fighting for? The decision is all ours. The ball as the say is in our court. How we play it will determine whether we become winners or losers.